Random thoughts

Can you enjoy having sex after multiple sexual abuse?

The answer is of course yes. But the process of getting there is probably not as short as the answer.

I was never good at small-talk, but always open to topics not many people wanted to talk about.

Sex is not one of these things. It’s not a taboo for me, but I find if very difficult to even think about.

I’ve experienced a multiple sexual abuse (among some other things) in the past.
Yet I’m surprised I was still able to have sex afterwards and even enjoyed it sometimes. The same goes for masturbation.
I won’t lie, my past was full of medications and other drugs, which made this much easier.
It’s not that easy anymore, yet I’m still able to experience some pleasure. Even on SSRI meds, which also impacts libido in a negative way.

I’m still deeply ashamed of any sexual feelings, even when I’m alone.
Yet I still talk about sex at least a little with a person I trust the most.
I never stopped even though I still can’t express myself in the way I’d wanted to. I can talk about sex, but I can’t talk about what I really like when it comes to me.

It’s important that you keep pushing yourself in order to overcome the unpleasant feelings. But always at your own pace.
Never push yourself too much and especially not with the wrong person. This goes for both, talking about or having sex.

I’ve done many things wrong by involving in intimate relationships with some wrong guys. But I’m not sorry for that, these were valuable lessons.

For those who can’t feel sexual pleasure, I hope you’ll be soon able to feel it again. If not with others, at least with yourself and just your body.
This can be even more pleasant experience if you’re open to it. For me it was always more satisfying this way.

I don’t expect to get many (if any) comments on this post, but you know you need to push yourself out of your comfort zone once in a while to progress, right?
You don’t have to open up to me, but please open up to a person you can really trust. Or write things down on a piece of paper. Whatever helps.

Further reading:
Having Healthy Sex after Sexual Assault
Recovering from Rape and Sexual Trauma
What It’s Like to Reclaim Your Sex Life After Sexual Assault

14 Comments

  • Yetismith

    My experiences were not devastating, physically nut mentally they damaged my entire life. I was never able to relate properly and although I accepted this, it left a big gap in my life. Try not to let it happen to you. If you have a bad experience, talk about it, get help. Don’t let it ruin your life.

  • sundaygirl9

    I struggle with this too. It bothers me that shame regarding sex is such a huge part of our culture. These things tend to make healing our sexual past challenging, especially if you grew up in a home that didn’t have healthy attitudes towards gender roles and sex in general.

    • Maja

      Thank you for sharing your insights.
      It’s a tiny part of the puzzle, but I hope we made some change by opening up. I wish you all best on your journey.

  • J. P. K. | J. SYS

    💜 Thank you for being open about it, although it was obviously not easy.
    I actually didn’t expect such a post, but love can fix things. When people actually care and come together and not just ignore each other or are afraid to talk about certain things, just because of what happened in the past. Many things of course still hurt for some time as you said, but if everyone just stops talking about certain things, just because of the past, then we don’t talk at all. And that is actually way more painful at some point as we both know.
    There are many topics which weren’t spoken about, of which this is only one.
    Fear won’t help here and that is why we started to open up in the first place.
    I didn’t talk about anything with others, just nonsense and what I thought they wanted to hear before it just was too much to handle on my own.
    And that is why we should indeed be there for each other, care for each other and don’t judge or fear to be judged just because of a topic which is not widely or likely to be spoken about.
    We all have had questions in our lives, some of which were answered, some still exist and many were simply ignored. So we had to find answers on our own sometimes. Some of them might have helped us to surive the day and some years, but once in a while a little talk or just a comforting hug to cry were more than we needed. At least in my case. And then I felt less alone.
    We aren’t alone, but most people are scared and so was I, I was very scared after all what happened around me and to me. And your story was also very painful to hear, but it helped. Hopefully it was the same for you. At the end of the day we just want to have some company, some friends and just some kind of safety and not to feel alone or ignored and all that.
    And although sex with a partner you really love could be possible, it should really be an open topic what was before, on both sides. Otherwise there could be even more heartache, fear, judgement and misunderstanding. But this of course goes for almost any situation in life and not just someones sex life or the trauma related to it.
    It is also a common misconception, that someone who went through some kind of trauma or other things, shouldn’t be confronted with this topic. Or that bringing up a certain topic might not be apropriate to talk about. But you showed, that this misconception (I hope this is the correct word for it) is wrong and actually more harmful than helpful. Because sure the confrontation with horrible and unwanted experiences is very painful sometimes and can in some cases follow you for decades. But I heard from people I know, that when they finally were able to talk or at least share their thoughts, feelings and their story, that they usually felt much better afterwards. At least when they were with people who were open about it. Not everyone is that and often because they are scared as well. It also happened to me and many people I know, also my relatives and some friends. But the more I started to open up, they also started to do that, although a little slower or with caution. And this was totally fine for me, since I also took a lot of time to finally speak up. “Shared/Divided pain, is half the pain.” Is a saying I heard, at least in german “Geteiltes Leid ist halbes Leid.” (share = teilen = dividing). I don’t know whether there is something similar in english or other languages. Probably, but I don’t know much about such things, since I sometimes don’t even recognize meanings in my own language, when I feel depressed. As if it is all just static…
    And whenever I then hear or read something new, different or even funny, I felt a lot better.
    Sometimes such random things really made my day a lot better.
    Thank you again for writing this post.
    I was confused at first, but aren’t we all these days?
    And in case you need some more patreon support, just let me know.
    I just didn’t know what to donate at first and just took the recommendation, I think.
    But this year is so weird in many ways… anyway, just let me know, in case you need more.
    Otherwise, keep fighting for your heart and thank you again.
    I have water in my eyes now. Not much, but probably because I should drink some water.
    Keep the light on in your heart. I don’t know if you know how much your presence means, but no matter what you will do in the future with your life and dreams, it was great meeting you.
    Even if it just was just for a few words and hearts I wrote and read.
    (Okay, I should stop here, otherwise this turns into a book or something. 😀 )
    Hope that is okay. *Sending love and (ghost) hugs* (in case you want some)
    Stay safe! <3

    • Maja

      Wow, this was a huge surprise. To be completely honest, I don’t really understand your work (goes for the blog and the music). I can only spot that there might be some intense emotions hidden behind.
      It’s really nice to read such insightful comment and to know you a little bit more. Thanks a lot for sharing this here, the length is ok, don’t bother. 🙂
      A little more talk is sometimes all we need, indeed. Like you’ve said, shared/divided pain, is half the pain.
      Thank you too, for everything. <3

  • Jeff Flesch

    As always, thanks for sharing Maja. As usual, you are writing about very important topics. I too agree with you, yes, getting outside of our comfort zone is important, yet, always, at our own pace. Be well, and have a great week.❤️

  • ZeroSpace

    I can relate, somewhat. The issue with me was not being able to fully enjoy it because not being able to fully trust a partner. In the past. And associating that level of intimacy with violation. And then I just decided to be single forever up until now. So if I ever date again it will remain a problem.

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