Dear readers, I’m not looking for any comforting words this time. I’ve got enough of them already and I’m really grateful for that.
Because of it, I can finally open up more and share with you some details.
I know many people went through far worse situations than myself.
But what happened to me wasn’t right nor was it easy.
I just want to let these thoughts out.
To maybe help somebody else to open up.
Because a similar thing might happen to some of you too. Somebody might even convince you that what they are doing is ok. And that you’re making stuff up, overreacting, that you can’t feel hurt just like that or that you’re just playing the victim while you’re not one (I’ve been listening to this my entire life). Any kind of abuse is wrong and you don’t have to tolerate it. Period.
One of my family members had me mostly locked up in a house (sometimes just a part of the house) for years. I was allowed to leave the house to go to the library or into the school. My rare friends weren’t allowed to visit me (and vice versa) until I stood up for myself a little in my puberty. This member was in conflict with other members of the house often and “blocked” in multiple ways the people who were trying to help me in any way. I was allowed to visit my other side of the family occasionally where I had all material things I needed, but not much of anything else. The other side was equally abusive, even though I haven’t acknowledged this for years.
My main living environment was moldy, without the heating and basic equipment for years. Winters were the only refrigerator we had for years. The environment wasn’t nearly as traumatizing as it were the relationships all around me. My school environment was also very toxic, but I did have a little support from some of my teachers.
One of my family members was involved in rough sex with multiple partners, many times in the same bed where I was sleeping. He also used my presence while doing some illegal things, so he looked more innocent to others. He also used me to manipulate his women for not leaving him.
I was sexually and otherwise abused by multiple people multiple times (one of them was also my bf).
I lost a boyfriend when I was 16, due to drug overdose. One of my friends died a year before that (he overdosed too) and I have almost died that day too. There was a third person around who saved me, but couldn’t save him. Somewhere in between, I also failed my suicide attempt.
I was stuck in the back seat of the car witnessing my friend being beaten by her boyfriend. He also used a gun for threats many times. This is not everything, but I’m not comfortable to share more for now.
This is not everything, but I’m not comfortable to share more for now.
I’ve stopped looking for excuses even for my own family.
What they did was wrong, but holding grudges don’t help either.
For me this time, not for their own protection like I used to do. Or maybe just a little, if I’m completely honest.
I would actually like to thank every single one of my abusers to help me become a person I am today. Because I’m very proud of that person.
Far from being perfect, but good enough for me.