Sometimes it would be easier not knowing some things. Once you do know them, you can’t just forget. But with some mental exercise, you can probably keep them in a distance.
You’ve probably heard about the phrase “ignorance is bliss“. This is what I’m talking about.
When I started my journey of self-development, I wasn’t expecting how difficult will this path be and how sorry will I feel from time to time to even start this path.
On one hand, I’m glad I came that far, but on the other hand… My path is getting much lonelier from time to time because of this. In these times in particular, I wonder am I moving forward or am I moving backwards. With the help of a therapist and talking to some people, which are going through a similar process, I believe this is just the part of the process of moving forward.
Many of us expect how life will change for the better once we resolve some personal issues. But it turned out that in many ways things go right in the opposite way.
This is a process. Things go worse, sometimes, before they get better. Or better said, they might only appear worse for some time. Many of us just need some more time to get used to change.
At some point in my life, I stopped taking my psych meds (under a doctor’s supervision). It took me 4 years of horrible life, before I acknowledged how badly I need these meds to actually do the basic stuff many of you take for granted. To be able to do some basic things all by myself, like getting out of the bed, dressing up, preparing some food, go to the store… The basics. It was an awful experience, full of many withdrawal issues combined with worsening of my PTSD symptoms (which slowly progressed into CPTSD).
Reading a book after many years of not being able to even properly form a sentence, was a huge accomplishment on its own. This happened when I started to take some meds again. This was also the time I’ve decided I’ll never ever quit them again. Even though I was quite convinced they did more harm to me than good. I might be just fine if I’d just waited another 4 years. But nobody can tell you for sure that you still have 4 or more years ahead. Taking one day at the time, this sounds like the best option today. When you know better, than you can do better. You know, doing the best with what you have. From knowledge to everything else. I might fail again, but learn something valuable too. ¯_(ツ)_/¯ Life is a journey after all.
Please don’t take this post as an encouragement to take or drop your meds if taking any. We’re all different at some point and your decision should base on your own beliefs, feelings and your doctor’s opinion. Not mine.
This was kind of a rant. Sorry. But it’s also an experience worth of sharing, for those on a similar journey.
I hope this helps somebody else in some way, if not for else, for knowing that you’re not alone with your silly thoughts and mistakes. And that that’s ok. 🙂 Just keep on going. Some pause and rest is fine and much needed from time to time too. Especially in times when you might want to just give up on yourself. Don’t. Things always change for the better and for worse, it’s just a matter of time. This is how life goes. Nothing lasts forever.
What about you? Do you ever feel like going backwards while you’re actually going forward? You know, the feeling when you learn something new and at the same time you realize how much more you still don’t know?