Getting better is not always better

Sometimes it would be easier not knowing some things. Once you do know them, you can’t just forget. But with some mental exercise, you can probably keep them in a distance.

You’ve probably heard about the phrase “ignorance is bliss“. This is what I’m talking about.

When I started my journey of self-development, I wasn’t expecting how difficult will this path be and how sorry will I feel from time to time to even start this path.
On one hand, I’m glad I came that far, but on the other hand… My path is getting much lonelier from time to time because of this. In these times in particular, I wonder am I moving forward or am I moving backwards. With the help of a therapist and talking to some people, which are going through a similar process, I believe this is just the part of the process of moving forward.

Many of us expect how life will change for the better once we resolve some personal issues. But it turned out that in many ways things go right in the opposite way.

This is a process. Things go worse, sometimes, before they get better. Or better said, they might only appear worse for some time. Many of us just need some more time to get used to change.

At some point in my life, I stopped taking my psych meds (under a doctor’s supervision). It took me 4 years of horrible life, before I acknowledged how badly I need these meds to actually do the basic stuff many of you take for granted. To be able to do some basic things all by myself, like getting out of the bed, dressing up, preparing some food, go to the store… The basics. It was an awful experience, full of many withdrawal issues combined with worsening of my PTSD symptoms (which slowly progressed into CPTSD).

Reading a book after many years of not being able to even properly form a sentence, was a huge accomplishment on its own. This happened when I started to take some meds again. This was also the time I’ve decided I’ll never ever quit them again.
Even though I was quite convinced they did more harm to me than good. I might be just fine if I’d just waited another 4 years. But nobody can tell you for sure that you still have 4 or more years ahead. Taking one day at the time, this sounds like the best option today. When you know better, than you can do better. You know, doing the best with what you have. From knowledge to everything else. I might fail again, but learn something valuable too. ¯_(ツ)_/¯ Life is a journey after all.

Please don’t take this post as an encouragement to take or drop your meds if taking any. We’re all different at some point and your decision should base on your own beliefs, feelings and your doctor’s opinion. Not mine.

This was kind of a rant. Sorry. But it’s also an experience worth of sharing, for those on a similar journey.

I hope this helps somebody else in some way, if not for else, for knowing that you’re not alone with your silly thoughts and mistakes. And that that’s ok. 🙂
Just keep on going. Some pause and rest is fine and much needed from time to time too. Especially in times when you might want to just give up on yourself. Don’t.
Things always change for the better and for worse, it’s just a matter of time. This is how life goes. Nothing lasts forever.

What about you? Do you ever feel like going backwards while you’re actually going forward?
You know, the feeling when you learn something new and at the same time you realize how much more you still don’t know?

Further reading:
Stop trying to be happy
The dark side of happiness
Two Reasons It’s Not Good to Be Happy All the Time

26 Replies to “Getting better is not always better”

  1. You are so right, everyone is different and that’s what makes the journey so hard. Once I started taking anti-depressants I was too afraid to go off because there was a bottomless pit of despair waiting to swallow me. I changed from one to another and another, added this and that…all with professional help of course. What made it so lonely for me was that none of my friends or family understood. I think they thought when I was sent to the States I just got influenced by America where everyone has a therapist. Maybe they thought I did it to be one of the gang. So I couldn’t talk to anyone other than the current therapist. The rare occasions when I did try to talk to family or a friend they got uncomfortable and changed the subject. The last few years that I was in therapy were soo hard. But its been 2 years since I saw a therapist. I still take anti-depressants and a very small amount of anti-anxiety and mostly I am fine. Except now my doc wants me off my pain meds and I am a bit worried what that will do to me!
    Now I’ve added my rant to yours. Thank you for giving me the space. I do think reading about other peoples experiences is helpful sometimes. It maybe makes you feel less alone, less of a loser, because we are not losers!
    Peace.

    1. The lack of understanding from the closest people can be really hard. I’m glad you used this post for a rant, whatever helps, Carolyn, even if just a little. 🙂

  2. Thank you for sharing your journey so openly and honestly with us strangers on the Internet. It helps others more than you know. And I hope that you continue to find many positives amongst the challenges in yours.

  3. I think sometimes accepting our necessary limitations–such as taking medicine–and just stopping fighting that particular battle frees us up to pursue what we actually want to do.

    This really resonated with me:

    “Reading a book after many years of not being able to even properly form a sentence, was a huge accomplishment on its own. This happened when I started to take some meds again. This was also the time I’ve decided I’ll never ever quit them again.”

    I’ve been in that boat. That’s what I mean about giving up a certain battle to get more of what we want. If we want to be someone who doesn’t need medication, we’ll just keep fighting and fighting, instead of accepting it and moving on to something much better.

  4. The last sentence in your post is profound.

    “Things always change for the better and for worse, it’s just a matter of time. This is how life goes. Nothing lasts forever.”

    So true. There will always be change, and inside of that change, any change, is an opportunity to learn something about ourselves, if we are open to it. I’ve learned this through terribly difficult change, and not so difficult change.

    For me, change is consistent to movement. It’s not so much about forwards or backwards movement that matters, what matters is to just keep moving. Persist though we sometimes want to resist.

    As always, thanks for sharing so much of yourself.

  5. Needed this today. The road of recovery is long but you meet some cool people you never would have met otherwise. I am grateful for you and wish you much love on your continued journey.

  6. On the rare occasions my depressions subside and I feel good, my first instinct is to be angry and reject it because I know it won’t last. Can’t miss what you’ve never known. It hurts too much when it goes away. But this is the cycle so I just ride the bipolar coaster and hold on tight.

  7. Yes. I TOTALly get it.
    It’s hard sometimes ain’t it?

    I’m proud of us.

    Cause you know what?
    1. We’re not quitting and
    2. We don’t think we’re all that and a bag of chips.W

    Social distance hug. 💕

  8. A book called ‘Lost Connections— why you are depressed and how to find hope’ helped me. The author Johann Hari writes about his own struggles including being on meds for 14 years.

  9. Thank you for sharing so honestly, i believe with posts such as yours can encouraged others and also create awareness. Its ok to rant.. no judgement here. Will keep you in prayers.

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