How a suicide attempt actually prevented me from killing myself

This is not a success story, just to let you know. It’s just another random story from a random person’s life. Quite pathetic to some point, I admit.

My first suicide attempt goes back when I was 15. I was at home, locked in my room (nobody bothered, I was a teenager and I could stay in my room unnoticed for days).
I always liked the idea about dying through sleep. So, the opiate overdose seemed like a good plan.

I miscalculated something, obviously, so my overdose ended with me waking up the next morning, with high fever and feeling like I’m dead. It’s just that I wasn’t.
In that brief moment I’ve somehow decided to live no matter what. I’ve promised myself to get some help, to kick and scream if necessary, but never give up. This is something that prevented me from even trying to kill myself in the future.

I had one important task to do this day at school, so I wasn’t even thinking, but went straight to school. Just to find somebody who would do this task instead of me (yes, I was that irresponsible, but at the same time ultra responsible kid). I did everything necessary to take the rest of the day off. I still don’t know how was I able doing all this, because I was really stoned and as I’ve mentioned, I had a really high fever.

But life goes on, right, it’s no big deal if I barely survived the night. This was my way of coping with every single bad thing that happened to me in the past. Life goes on, let’s not talk about it, let’s keep all the pain inside, why even bother, there are people with even bigger problems…
You can do this for a while. Then you break. On the inside, on the outside or both.

Nobody ever suspected that there is a different story behind my so called flu. Nobody ever suspected anything. Some of my family members knew a little about drugs, but nobody ever knew the real depth of my problems.

I’ve decided to share another dark part of my life. To maybe encourage people to talk more about themselves. To let them know that they aren’t alone with those dark thoughts. And actions.

I’ve noticed that way too many people keep so many rough things to themselves. Because they think they have to. Or because they just don’t want to bug other people with their “unimportant” problems (dear human, everyone is important, even though you might not feel like it at the moment). Or both. Or else…

You don’t need to have a great family and friends to share your darkest thoughts with (but it helps of course). Sometimes it’s even easier if you talk to somebody who doesn’t know you, and vice versa (psychotherapist would be ideal, but you can talk to other people as well, like a social worker or other people who are familiar with the crisis you’re in).
Talking to animals also helps. They won’t help you find the solution for your problem, but they’re great listeners and some of them can also provide you that healing hug you might need at the moment.
Writing a journal also helps to get some sort of relieve from your thoughts, strong emotions etc. Exercise can also provide you some relieve.

What do you think, were you ever in a similar position, or do you know somebody else who was? I’m curious how many untold stories are out there and why it is so. We talk more about difficult topics these days, but we’re still in a taboo zone.

I can’t offer a medical advice, just to make this clear. Nor do I encourage any sort of suicidal behavior. I’d advise anyone who is struggling with suicidal thoughts, to find himself some guidance of a doctor or psychotherapist or otherwise qualified person. There are also some online communities which can be helpful, but they can never replace a medical advice.

Further reading:
List of suicide crisis lines
BetterHelp
More help…
Casually Suicidal (video)
Surviving the Suicide of Someone You Love (video)
Why we need to talk about suicide (video)

50 Replies to “How a suicide attempt actually prevented me from killing myself”

  1. I’ve generally not found it helpful to talk about suicidal thoughts at the time. I’ll talk about the depression more generally, but don’t talk about the suicidal thoughts until after the fact. At least part of this is that I worry (and probably rightly so) about getting thrown into hospital.

    1. It’s worrying that you need to worry about being put in the hospital. On the other hand, sometimes this isn’t a bad idea, but it’s best to go there by your own choice not by force.

      1. Yeah, I’ve just had enough bad experiences that I’m pretty reluctant. But I’m still able to convey to my doctor when I’m not doing well and we need to do more in terms of treatment, so the issue is still getting addressed even if it’s not talked about.

  2. Been there many times unfortunately. I made a deal with myself several years ago that it was okay to kill myself (satisfying the dark part of my mind that obsesses over it) if I could not find at least one good thing about my day. The thing is, there is ALWAYS something good about every day if you are looking for it. Maybe it was a sunrise, a pretty flower, a funny joke from a friend. The point is I give myself permission while at the same time making sure I don’t give in. I know that may not work for everyone but it’s kept me alive for the last several years so you just have to do whatever works for you. I’m so glad you didn’t die because I love reading your blog <3

    1. The thing is, there is ALWAYS something good about every day if you are looking for it.

      I get to say this a lot 🙂 even though I don’t always believe.
      I’m really glad that you can find these important little things that keep you here. And glad that you like my blog. Thanks for dropping by 🙂

  3. Thanks for sharing this. I know how hard it can be. Suicide has been a haunting spector in the background of my life since childhood. I dealt with a lot of abuse in the home and reasoned death might be my only escape. Fear of the pain alone kept me in those days. In my 20’s, an abandoned mother of three, I was at a point even pain didn’t matter for a bit, the emotional pain being that severe. I was nearly successful then, but, after downing some of the pills I had planned to take, I panicked, deciding I’d better call my estranged husband to come get the kids before I went any further. It’s horrible to admit I was thinking of leaving them behind at all, but, at the same time, I had that pull of responsibility that wouldn’t allow me to continue the job till I knew they were taken care of. Odd the way the brain works. But, that phone call wound up connecting me not with him, but his employees that knew I was hurting already and talked me through while another one called up an ambulance.I spent some time in recovery and prayer, but, honestly, it took a couple of therapists, another really rough patch, and a lot of leaning on the Lord before I could say I was really, truly on the other side. I can’t say even today depression never tugs at me, but it’s nowhere near to those days, praise God. Again, I thank you for sharing. I believe that is key. People need to know they aren’t alone in their struggles. Blessings to you!

    1. Your story sounds really tough, I can’t imagine how hard can it be in your position with 3 kids around you. It’s nice to hear that you’re better now.

  4. I’ve been in that abyss many times but I’ve never developed a plan or attempted anything.
    In school some kid in 6th grade said I was too ugly and weird and I should do the world a favor and kill myself.
    His idiocy was all the motivation I’ve ever needed to keep hanging in there even when I don’t want to anymore. To let him be proven right would be worse than living in depressive darkness.

    1. Keep going. God has a good purpose for your life. I am glad you did not give in to those terrible words. I wish my son would have had your mindset. Though he has not killed himself, he allows what others say to change what he thinks about himself. It breaks my heart to how one person’s comments sent him down to the pits of drugs and alcohol and he has not recovered. I did my best to support him and to reassure him that his life is important and God has given him gifts and abilities, but my opinion has not mattered. I do know that Satan wants to destroy us and he puts those thoughts into our minds. I write about how to effectively fight against the devil and his destructive thoughts.

  5. It takes far more strength to recognize a situation, seek help and talk about it, than it does to give in to it.

    We are all better off in some way because you had that strength. Thank you for sharing.

  6. I’ve felt depressed enough to contemplate suicide after a terrible breakup, that sounds annoyingly dramatic but it’s true. I kept thinking of how to comfort my family, thought of writing them letters mailing those and taking sleeping pills. Just as I was about to enter my apt bldg, just as I touched the front entrance door to the lobby, a very loud fire alarm went off, the entire building was evacuated, the sprinklers went off only in the bottom floor but it was intense, water was dripping down the walls and firemen cane rushing in. It couldn’t help but take that synchronicity as a divine intervention message. It was like the alarm was crying. I probably sound narcissistic but it felt so meaningful and helped me out of those obsessive thoughts to leave this life. I felt loved.

  7. I was in a dark place, behind a brick wall of lies of society telling me to keep it to myself and not annoy people with my problems that I was on the edge. Then I opened up, poured it out online. Then I started blogging and getting the feelings out, those raw, unedited feelings helped pull me back along with those who reached out.

    Then, all of a sudden, others who were struggling too started telling me about what’s up in their life and they were listening to me. We helped each other get better. We will never be best, but we are better than we were. Now I’m reaching out and reading more on twitter, more blogs, just more and seeing that I’m not alone.

    That brick wall, it’s gone.

    1. Jerrod, thank you for sharing. I discovered that everyone has a dark side but few who are strong enough to face it and shine a light on it. Facing the dark side of our lives is hard, but necessary. I wrote a small book, I share on my website that details my journey of healing. My dark side caused me to be very destructive. I have found a healing method that really works. I am a different person.

  8. The courage!
    You know, an actual flu saved me the time I tried to kill myself… I haven’t written about that yet, which leads me to answer to your lines: “too many people keep so many rough things to themselves” and “why it is so”

    The answer is, “It’s freaking painful;” plus, in my case, I’m obsessed with making people laugh.
    I believe that even if they want to read my soap opera (that’s what my life has been, and is) they won’t enjoy it if I’m down… So I try to write with humor, which I’m finding it very hard (duh)… and that results in me not posting anything (or posting about coding… going full “abstract” mode)

    Maybe the answer to your questions is that I’m actually afraid to get out of my comfort zone… (just don’t tell anyone I said that)

    @tornadoofchaos encouraged me to let the sadness out in my writing, and so I did today… Just spill something in a couple of hours and posted it.

    This helps a lot; bloggers like you and Robin displaying this courage.
    Today, you’re my hero.

    1. Thanks, Laly.
      I was also telling my stories with humour, but I find it easier to say just like it is. I was taking things way to easy, but they really eren’t. I was looking to others for all my life and tell my stuff in the way no body could feel unconfortable (but me). Well, but this is how things worl for me, we’re all different I guess.

      1. Unfortunately, Maja, nobody knows how to reprogram our minds. I went to psychologists, pastors, other people, read self-help books, but nothing helped. God helped me in my desperation to find a method that helped me reprogram my thinking and now I teach my method to incarcerated women. One of my girls in my Bible study was gone for some time. She finally showed up again and told us she had tried to commit suicide and was put in a turtle suit with no clothing, no mattress, and the lights are on 24-7. She was so miserable, she said she would not do that again. She confessed she found another way to commit suicide but put the device away. I taught her how to take her thoughts captive and focus on hope. Thank you for wanting to help others who are struggling.

  9. Saying goodbye to bad habits is a bloody hard business. I had (and still have) a bad addiction that ruined my teenage life, wrecked it so bad that I feel guilty about it everyday of my life. It has a hold on me and the social stigma of my country doesn’t allow people like myself to be open to others (not even my family) about such bad habits, so yeah I’ve been battling it alone. But I had made one decision that has at least given me a relief (Yeah it’s a relief to know that that a part of my life wouldn’t be controlled by my destructive habits): That I’ll go on my own and Only I’ll decide when my time comes. I write at least One Haiku everyday that seems to really help me (I dunno why, but it does). I’ve never talked to anyone about it but this post is very overwhelming and true so I thought why not share this.

    1. It’s nice to hear about haiku. It might sound like a little thing, but these little things are so underestimated. And important. Writing or expresing yourself through anything you find helpful is actually a big thing. Keep up the good work and thanks for stopping by 🙂

    2. I understand. I would encourage you to read the short book I wrote on how God has healed me of my addiction to anger, sadness, among other things, which controlled me. I found hope in reprogramming my mind. It has worked. I am still recovering all the good things that should have been mine. Please visit my web-site called hopeforcompletehealing.com.

  10. Thank you for this honesty. I’ve battled depression and anxiety for my whole life and the first time that it came out at work my managers went for me and had fun trying to put me in the scariest positions possible. I still get scared to tell people that something is scaring me because they might use it to make my life hell. It’s horrible to think I might be a burden so I just smile and carry on until I break. I’m off work at the moment because I broke 😦

    1. It’s important to have someone you can be vulnerable with, even if they are anonymous. Everyone needs someone they can trust to tell their fears to. Many times people feel uncomfortable with that, and they don’t know what to do, so they try to fix you or they try not to care. It just occurred to me, when you need to share your anxiety (and you need to) tell the people first what they can do for you; “I want to share something with you. It’s awkward for me, and very personal, but I feel like I need to tell someone. You don’t have to try to fix it or make it go away. All I really need is somebody to listen and be there.” (Or, if you’re familiar with your Love Language, you could say that you just need a shoulder to lean on, or some words of encouragement, etc.)
      You should be able to gauge from their reaction whether they are interested or cannot be trusted. The same people who might be cruel when they don’t know what to do with themselves have the potential to be good if they have enough clarity and aren’t surrounded by negative peer pressure. You are also more likely to get a negative response if the person you are talking to is the person who is causing the problem you need to talk about. Sometimes you just need someone else to speak up on your behalf.
      The important thing is not to wait until you are near the breaking point. It’s important to tell someone at the first sign of trouble, so you can have several “failed” tries to share your troubles where you might realize you can’t trust someone, or they aren’t emotionally available for you. That way there is still time to keep trying until you find someone with a heart who understands that you need someone who cares before you “break”.
      I would give this same advice to anyone who struggles with mental health, not only those who are contemplating suicide. It doesn’t have to be extreme before it’s worth paying attention to what’s going on inside us.
      I pray you will find a trusted confidante. It could even be a sister or brother. Be a strength to them, too, when they fall on hard times, as well as when they need someone by their side to celebrate life’s good moments. Happiness isn’t as joyful when you have no one to share it with.
      ♥️

      1. This is great advice, about telling people what you need them to do for you.
        Eh, everything you’ve said is actually great. I hope many people will read this, because it’s a nice reminder. Even for us who think we know a lot, but a gentle reminder is always more than welcome. Thanks for stopping by. 🙂

          1. Thank you too. I’m at the end of 3 moth intensive psychotherapy and crashing badly. I really need it to read this today. I’m not so bad at giving help, but getting one and asking for it is another story. It helps to know that people like you are just a click away, you’re really encouraging too. I hope your writing will help many more people. Keep up the good work 🙂

    2. I had an anxiety disorder all my life until just a few months ago. I was teaching at the county jail and was helping an inmate work through her anger. At the end of the session I had her read James 4:7,8 about submitting to God and resisting the devil. I asked her if she does not submit the problem to God who is working in her mind instead. God put his finger on my anxiety and said, what are you allowing the devil to torment you with. I wrote a post called “Why, What, and How to Submit to God and be FREE” that outlines how I am finally free from my anxiety. This post may help you.

  11. It is good to speak about these issues so try don’t swept swept under the rug. It is a fine balance between speaking about them so that other people know you need help and not speaking about it so much and so often that it is stresses people around you to the point that they leave because they can’t help themselves. Distressing all round.
    Well done to you for deciding to go on and try to help others. That takes strength.

  12. I tried suicide a couple of times when I was young. I don’t know exactly what stopped me but I do know it’s horrible to be ignored. Otoh I was brought up in a very religious environment and when I told my mother I was scared that I’d go to hell for committing suicide she said ‘well, you would.’ Nice!

  13. Hi Maja, you “liked” a recent post of mine so I am looking at your blog… I have read your two recent posts, but that’s all. Sounds like you have had a tough road due to biochemistry that is out of your control and haven’t had a whole lot of understanding around that even with your therapy. So, I just wanna say, you are a brave writer. And I hope you persevere. Your “story” is worth telling and you are lovable. Thanks for tapping my site, so I could discover yours. You never know how you are going to touch someone… just by being you. So be you.

  14. Suicide may seem to offer an end to pain. But it cuts off all our possibilities. When we are lost in darkness, we cannot imagine a brighter future for ourselves. God, however, can. ” ‘For I know the plans I have for you,’ declares the LORD, ‘plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future’ ” (Jer. 29: 11). <3

  15. I was deeply suicidal one night. I went to sleep without attempting and had an epic dream about tossing my inner critic into a poison bog. The next morning I felt incredibly strong, like I could survive anything. The thought that I made it through that level of despair gives me a lot of hope for the future.

  16. That’s been my strategy, I have 2 people who when I have suicidal thoughts I talk to no question asked. As long as they keeping me in conversation I can ride that storm. Much like you I’ve had attempts that no one in my family know anything about, as a teen in my bedroom. You were very strong and brave to wake up and get on with life like that, I remember starting locked in my room for 2 days.

    1. It’s nice to hear you’re surrounded by 2 great people. It’s what keeps me going too. Thanks for stopping by and sharing your story.

  17. I’ve come through dark, tangled and despairing times and (as came up in a conversation today) that often feels like the only way of responding to a crazy world these days.
    But the weird and freaky thing is how often the worst and most messed-up situation is where you find the most beautiful moments of kindness and connection.
    I’m not claiming they always come…
    just that I’ve had enough of them to get me through some crazy years.

    https://youtu.be/kfDoN_Suecg

  18. Its a brave act to share the intimacy of a suicide attempt. Thanks for your courage. The first 25 years of my life were hell, not all of it – but a lot. When I wasn’t being depressed/lonely or having symptoms – blackouts I was focused on intellectual pursuits, making short films and going to film festivals. It took me until age 38 to know / surrender into a path (as a seer and healer). I’ll be 70 in 2021 and there is still much work to be done. If you’re interested in a SA of mine you might be interested in reading: https://psychesweather.wordpress.com/the-calling/.

  19. Thanks for sharing this. It is important to speak about these things to create awareness.

    Many people with mental illnesses not only suffer because of their mental illness, but also because they feel that they are defective because they have psychological problems. The belief is widespread that mentally ill people are somehow weak and indulge self-pity, and that they could somehow “switch off” their problems if they wanted. This prevents people with psychological problems from seeking help, and it makes them feel responsible for their affliction, creating more suffering.
    This has to change. Society has to become more open-minded and more tolerant towards people with psychological problems.
    I think it also has to do with the fact that everyone has some psychological issues (at least I have never met anyone without any), most people prefer to ignore their problems, and they don’t want to be reminded of them. That leaves little space for listening to someone who is struggling with his/her demons.

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