This is one question that I don’t have the answer to. It probably even doesn’t exist, because everybody needs their own time. Or not? What do you think?
I’ve been asking myself a lot, when will I be happy with my own progress? Because honestly, many times I feel like I’m never happy with it, even though I know this is not true.
I do have some ups and downs, and much in between.
I think that I don’t have enough ups to motivate me enough to keep on going for much longer though. And I still don’t know exactly why, but getting closer.
I’ve been really consistent with practicing mindfulness (you can check for an app here or listen to me) and I’m proud to say that I stick with it for nearly 3 years. I did skip it a couple of times, I admit, but I don’t make such mistakes often or longer anymore. I’m a bit proud of doing so.
I practice mindfulness once a day or more often, it depends on the day. I can say that I’m well aware of my thoughts and how they contribute to my emotions.
I change them many times, but not always.
When I come into PMS (and PMDD hits), I feel like I lose control, and this happens every single month. Even though I know what is going on, I can’t switch the thought process always and I lose myself in some dark scenario, where I only see in black and white, or just black.
I know I’m doing much better than I did
Yet no matter what I do, I come to the point when I feel like I’m playing Russian roulette in my mind. I trust myself most of the time, but in PMS I just can’t.
The only thing that helped me in the past was different therapy. I wanted to make the switch a long time ago, but I’m stopping myself intentionally.
I don’t know if this counts as another self-sabotage, or is it just because I’m feeling like an even bigger failure for not handling this without another drug.
I’m also afraid of the time that the new antidepressant needs to start working. My shrink wanted to put me in a hospital for this period and I really don’t like the idea, so I’m procrastinating with the decision. I also don’t have any idea where can I put Gollum for this time.
I was never doing well on SSRI or SNRI alone. Ever. I don’t know why am I expecting that it will be different this time. Psychotherapy, current pharmacotherapy, and my work just aren’t enough. Or are they? Maybe if I could retire somehow and just be happy with what I do have and can do…
Maybe I just don’t believe in myself enough and I need to learn… but the time goes by. And I won’t get it back. I would really like to go back to work to earn a little more money. I don’t believe anymore that I’ll ever earn enough to support myself fully, but I believe I can do better than I do now (still jobless and get severe panic attacks when I just think about having another full-time job – working on this).
I don’t go along with many drugs, so I don’t really have much choice here (I’ve been on more than 15 different psychiatric medications since I was 13 btw).
I’m also wondering if my brain even knows how to function without quite a lot of extra help from the outside…
I don’t want anyone to feel sorry for me btw, I’m just sharing this to maybe help somebody else who is also in a similar situation. Or for any other reason, you might find this helpful.
Summa summarum, I’m not doing so bad, but I’m not doing as good as I believe I can either.
I would really like to have more control over my emotions (and impulsivity, attention, etc.), and I’m willing to work. Just not as hard as I had to do it for the last 3 or 4 years. It was just too exhausting without the results I wanted.
But did I get what I needed?
Sometimes it helps when I just stop wishing for more and try to be as happy as I can with everything I do have. I’m doing this almost on a daily basis, but I’m still not pleased. What am I missing here?
I still question myself if I worked hard enough after such time to change the meds again or should I try even harder… sometimes harder is smarter, sometimes is not. I can’t really know for sure until I try. I can still go back to where I am if it won’t be as expected.
No further reading today, but I hope you’ll still get something good out of my share. If not, maybe just another reminder to be mindful for a moment and think about the things you do have and you’re grateful for.
I wish you a nice evening, day, or morning depending on your time zone. 🙂
I’m wondering, where are you with managing your emotions? What works best for you if you lose yourself a bit?