Hunger games – My battle with and for the food

I went through some old pictures and they got me thinking. I managed to gain some kilos in the past few years and I’m like “Ok, I don’t like it, but it’s not the end of the world”. This is my mindset at around 60kg. 15-20 kg ago, my mind was in a completely different place (much darker).

I struggled with anorexia for quite a long time. And body dysmorphia even longer. It started when I was less than 10 years old.
When I lived with my mom, she couldn’t provide us enough food, so I’ve been hungry quite often.

I had an option to eat some decent meals at least at school, but I just couldn’t because kids were bullying me to the point I stopped eating. The same was when I finally “escaped” to my dad for some vacations or weekends. He was quite a bully too, so I started to skip meals there as well. I was a really skinny kiddo. I don’t want to feel sorry for myself, but I do feel a lot of pain when I think about this little girl. Did she have a choice?
I could speak to some relatives or somebody at school and told them I was hungry. But somehow I was raised in a spirit, that things should stay at home (or even better – just in your head) and not being shared with anyone. This was hardcoded into my brains so well, I still struggle with this mindset. I can be quiet a lot, but I can also speak too much.

I still struggle with my self image

Because of the bullying. It’s awful when it’s done by other kids, but even worse when it comes from an environment that should protect us – your own family.

I was quite a cute girl, who grown up into not so bad looking woman. My mind is still trying to convince me into different picture, but I’m learning that our mind is not always right. I can’t believe how ugly I looked to myself when I was younger. I never liked to be in the pictures and I still prefer to stay behind the camera. But I’ve decided to come out from the closet just for a moment. I have absolutely no idea if sharing a few old pictures on the internet will do me more good or more harm. It might be stupid, but I’ve done some way more stupid things already. ¯_(ツ)_/¯

So, hello world.

I’m well aware now that looks aren’t everything. But for some part of my family the looks were everything and way above the inner beauty. So, how could a kid know, right? I feel much shame in learning this basic stuff at this age.

To learn this, you need to know where to put your focus into. Not just on the outside or inside, but to find some balance between these two worlds. Just to be happy with yourself at the end of the day. Easier said than done, I know.

I could write more about my eating disorders and other battles with food, but this is what I managed to squeeze from my head for today. . So, this story might be continued.

What about you? Can you relate to any part of this story? What helped you to get a better image of yourself?

0 Replies to “Hunger games – My battle with and for the food”

  1. I’m sorry you suffered so much because your family is so toxic. It takes a while to escape the sickening influence of a toxic family, and it is a big achievement. You can be proud that you made it.

  2. You gained skills also from surviving your childhood ordeal. We never eliminate our childhood, but we can let it go when it visits.

    For me, my abuse has stolen enough of my life. We can be happy and live fully for us.

  3. This line is so poignant: “…I do feel a lot of pain when I think about this little girl.”

    I think this is a brave and candid post. I really appreciate posts like that.

    I’ve struggled with body image moet of my life… it’s getting better, finally, this year and last year. 🙂

  4. Your story is so touching.
    Why on earth should you have to bottle things up because of your family?
    Thank goodness you survived.
    Btw, you look so cute and adorable in those photos. 🙂
    Thanks for sharing your story.

  5. 1st you are beautiful inside and out 2nd I completely relate. I was anorexic as a child. My mom is obese and my dad warned me to never, under any circumstances get fat like her. He was an alcoholic, mom angry and withdrawn. I started to starve myself as a way to gain love and to have something to control.
    I’ve had 4 children and with each pregnancy ate like mad, gaining 50 lbs with each. Eventually I hid behind excessive gym workouts and extreme nutrition.
    Now at 44 years old I eat what I want, never think about my body or size and can barely keep weight on, funny how that works.

    1. Your family sounds quite toxic too, sorry to hear. I can also relate to your excessive gym and nutrition mode.
      I’m glad to hear that things worked out just fine 🙂

  6. Thank you for sharing something so vulnerable and close to your heart. I have suffered from body image issues for years now, and while it never progressed to an eating disorder, there was a phase just a year ago where for around 6 months, I stopped eating all meals but one. I got sick very often, but because I was seeing a loss in body weight and mass, I was overjoyed, and so were the people around me (because I’ve always been on the heavier side, despite strenuous exercise all my life). Little did I know of how it was affecting my immune system, and somehow I just did not correlate my many sicknesses in that period with my lack of nutrition.

    When I realised, I began to overeat, and I guess I have always been trying to have a healthy relationship with food, but I never succeed. Constantly trying is the only way to go, and that’s where I am now. Never stopping to try and get better. It’s always an up and down journey.

    I’m glad for you that you are bringing yourself out of your comfort zone, and taking steps towards embracing yourself.

    Love and power to you.

    1. Thanks, Arshia. And thank you for sharing you side of story behind the eating disorders.
      I’m not out just yet, it’s always an up and down journey, like you’ve said. I wish you more ups than downs.

  7. This was so nice, beautiful and honest! You certainly have it correct that it’s the inner beauty which counts, but that is also always naturally reflected outwardly, in body language and things. Your last photo is a perfect demonstration of that, haha. It’s funny you are still partly hiding behind the cap in the other photo 😁.

    “I can’t believe how ugly I looked to myself when I was younger.”

    Ah, I’ve had this feeling! When I was 17 I really felt terrible about myself and my physical appearance. I’d had a knee injury for 3 years by then, and it had robbed me of all the things I loved doing, and my in-person social life, my self-esteem. I had unbelievably low social confidence then. And just a couple of years later, it was all turned around, and I viewed myself very differently!

    I definitely find that my self image really correlates strongly with my self-esteem at any given time, and my self-esteem comes from working on/doing things which match my values— e.g. helping people, creating things, meditating. Powerful effects.

  8. Thank you for sharing your story. I am so sorry you grew up in such a toxic place all around. My mom passed away a few years ago and I still sometimes hear her voice in my head telling me I’m not good enough, pretty enough, and just plain not enough as a person. I have forgiven her (took a long time) and before she passed away we made peace but that was YEARS in the making and only through supernatural grace given to me by God.
    All of your pictures are awesome but I especially love the last one. You look so free and happy! Hugs for making it this far and for learning the new lessons you are learning. You are a rock star!

  9. Wow, I am amazed by you! You shouldn’t feel any shame in learning such an important lesson! I applaud your strength for going through this and sharing your battles with all of us!

  10. Thank you for this post – I can so relate to being in a toxic home atmosphere. I wasn’t exactly body shamed, but shamed for the way I look (I am not sure what it is called). I grew up thinking that the way you look is the way people are going to see you so they had me convinced I had a zero chance of anyone ever loving me just because of my appearance.

    I took me 22 years until I started working and realized that people actually like my for my personality and that looks were the secondary factor always. It opened up a world of possibilities to me . It is so liberating to know that people will love you for what you are, irrespective of how you look. I am still struggling with the toxicity but I try to stay unaffected. Sending you positive vibes so that you never have to feel body-shamed!

  11. Hey! You look lovely both as a child and as a grown up. I have grown up pretty sheltered so i will not say that i understand that completely. It will be a lie. But I can see why our self image is affected by the way our family thinks. For 17 years I believed i was ugly because my mom was too beautiful and no one praised me. Then one day my father told me i was rather pretty (as compared to others). All of a sudden, i could see myself that way. So I know how that works. I wish you had a better childhood. I hope you build yourself a better future.

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