I went through some old pictures and they got me thinking. I managed to gain some kilos in the past few years and I’m like “Ok, I don’t like it, but it’s not the end of the world”. This is my mindset at around 60kg. 15-20 kg ago, my mind was in a completely different place (much darker).
I struggled with anorexia for quite a long time. And body dysmorphia even longer. It started when I was less than 10 years old.
When I lived with my mom, she couldn’t provide us enough food, so I’ve been hungry quite often.
I had an option to eat some decent meals at least at school, but I just couldn’t because kids were bullying me to the point I stopped eating. The same was when I finally “escaped” to my dad for some vacations or weekends. He was quite a bully too, so I started to skip meals there as well. I was a really skinny kiddo. I don’t want to feel sorry for myself, but I do feel a lot of pain when I think about this little girl. Did she have a choice?
I could speak to some relatives or somebody at school and told them I was hungry. But somehow I was raised in a spirit, that things should stay at home (or even better – just in your head) and not being shared with anyone. This was hardcoded into my brains so well, I still struggle with this mindset. I can be quiet a lot, but I can also speak too much.
I still struggle with my self image
Because of the bullying. It’s awful when it’s done by other kids, but even worse when it comes from an environment that should protect us – your own family.
I was quite a cute girl, who grown up into not so bad looking woman. My mind is still trying to convince me into different picture, but I’m learning that our mind is not always right. I can’t believe how ugly I looked to myself when I was younger. I never liked to be in the pictures and I still prefer to stay behind the camera. But I’ve decided to come out from the closet just for a moment. I have absolutely no idea if sharing a few old pictures on the internet will do me more good or more harm. It might be stupid, but I’ve done some way more stupid things already. ¯_(ツ)_/¯
So, hello world.
I’m well aware now that looks aren’t everything. But for some part of my family the looks were everything and way above the inner beauty. So, how could a kid know, right? I feel much shame in learning this basic stuff at this age.
To learn this, you need to know where to put your focus into. Not just on the outside or inside, but to find some balance between these two worlds. Just to be happy with yourself at the end of the day. Easier said than done, I know.
I could write more about my eating disorders and other battles with food, but this is what I managed to squeeze from my head for today. . So, this story might be continued.
What about you? Can you relate to any part of this story? What helped you to get a better image of yourself?