Random Thoughts

I’m your bad example, part 2

Content warning: not suitable for everybody.

I really wanted to let some thoughts out for days, but I just couldn’t write. I was wondering how the hell shall I write while being in such a weird state of mind?

The answer was really simple. You just do it. But is it easy to do so? Certainly not.
* curses out loud *

Today I’ll do just this. Write while being anxious as shit, which I usually don’t do, because I simply can’t. But probably should at least try. So let’s see where the trying can take a person.

I’ve done some really really stupid shit in the past month, which I’m not proud of. I needed some rest in my head so badly, that I went for some old remedies to feel a bit less.
I’ve reached my goal, but the results weren’t pleasing at all. Quite the opposite. Not much of a surprise to be honest.

I’ve learned the hard way (again – obviously it’s the only way that I’m able to function) that less really is more and no matter how hard I try, I can’t be on too many drugs anymore, even if I’d wanted to. They just don’t work the same anymore.
I also love myself enough that I can’t allow this behavior to last for long (damn you therapy and everybody who is helping!).

What I’m talking about: I went for lots of weed daily, some tobacco (yuck!) on top of my already upped dosage of prescribed meds (I’m on fluoxetine, reboxetine, a dash of clonazepam, and CBD now). Combined with a small amount of unprescribed codeine.

All I was able to achieve was blunting my emotions to the point I couldn’t feel anything, which made me anxious and all I really want is just to get my feelings back. No matter how sad and bad they are every single day (I might change my mind when I get there).

I’ve stopped smoking a few days ago altogether, no weed, no tobacco, I never even liked the taste of tobacco. All I liked from it was a bit of wakefulness that it gave me to pass the day without my severe need for rest or/and sleep.

All I ever wanted from drugs was to feel “normal”…

… while having enough focus to read a book, and go through the basic daily activities without so much struggle.
I never liked to feel high. Yet I was sometimes, I won’t lie, but way less than you might imagine, considering the number of drugs I was taking.
I should be pretty high, but all they did was making my daily activities feel bearable.

This pic is from these times. Nobody could say I was taking all of the stuff, because it actually made me feel and look “normal”. I was even able to work – among other people.

This is probably because of the stress that my body went through without a break for pretty much my whole life.
I felt like there was some severe error in my nervous system, all the f*** time since I was a little kid. I was tired all time and still am. Living with symptoms of PTSD and CPTSD for so long isn’t much of a life, to be honest.

I’ve been on so many drugs in the past that I shouldn’t be alive anymore.

A decade ago, my body digested some heavy chemistry on a daily basis:
bupropion 150mg, clonazepam 2mg, codeine 100mg, paracetamol 4000mg, tramadol 400mg, and some weed to put me to sleep at all (and eat something after my appetite went down severely).
Often I topped all of this with sumatriptan for my migraines and anti-ulcer meds and fluoxetine before I upped my tramadol dosage. And lots of caffeine.

This went through my liver for almost 10 years.

Thankfully, you probably can’t even imagine the withdrawals I went through after slowly stopping all of the drugs. Or can you? I really hope not.
I’ve been on nothing for some short period of time and then on bupropion only, but it wasn’t enough. My nervous system really can’t handle any stress on its own.
This alone would probably be enough for CPTSD, without any other trauma included.

This time I’m not craving nicotine at all, but I do crave sugar like crazy.

It’s not easy to resist the cravings, but this time I’m prepared

Carrots, iceberg lettuce, apples, and some dark chocolate (at least 85%) are great for the cravings.
Walking also helps. And writing obviously, even though I thought this post won’t have a chance to be written.

I’m really ashamed of myself

And I have some very good reasons to do so. Looking back, I was doing a slow suicide in a way and it’s a miracle that my liver still functions with just a minor raising of some values.

I’ve heard many times that I’m an inspiration to some people. I feel really embarrassed every time I hear that.

In case you’ve missed, you can read I’m your bad example (part 1) here.

Thank you for reading these lines
, dear fellow blogger, regular or random reader.
I really appreciate your time and the ability to go through my sometimes really unpleasant writings.
I wish you a nice day. gives high five to everyone while laughing and crying at the same time

33 Comments

  • moragnoffke

    I admire you determination and for stepping up to writing when you felt like you didn’t want to 🌈🌈. I also feel that in sharing your struggle that it does help others too. I am glad you have support but I know that doesn’t make the anxiety any easier. Anxiety is a personal journey we traverse within ; finding personal ways of healthy coping seems to be ongoing but there is growth. I am honored to be part of your blogging journey. 💐💐

    • Maja

      You put this very good into workds, about anxiety. I’m honored too Morag, thank you for all of your support.
      I’m really surprised how positive all of you took this post while I felt like a complete idiot while writing it and the feeling still persists.

      • moragnoffke

        Thank you ☺️and you are welcome. I think we are the hardest on ourselves… It’s hard to be understanding, kind and patient towards ourselves 🤗 maybe even CPTSD plays into that as well.

  • Abel

    I continue to pray for your recovery. I might not be able to feel what you are going through but I want you to know you have my support; even though I am from the other side of earth.

    I believe in you.

  • Agimar N. Edelgranberget

    I feel you there. I’ll be released from Psychiatry today. Won’t be back to normal, because there never was anything like that. If you don’t want to relapse again (wanting, willing) keep this, your, thread as a reminder. All the best wishes!

  • AP2

    Anxiety is such a difficult emotion to deal with. We all go through periods we aren’t proud of. The fact that you are willing to write about it. Discuss it openly and honestly demonstrates great courage. I also believe it has the power to inspire others to do the same. To help them in a big way. Wishing you strength going forward Maja. 🙏

  • susankgray

    Sounds like you are determined to be okay, and that you believe in yourself even though it might seem otherwise. I’m glad that you chose to write here, and that you don’t give up entirely when it is tough.

    But the anxiety, friend! I can totally relate. I take a really small dose of conazepam, 0.25 mg once or twice a day. Maybe this will help my liver? I don’t know but it does allow me to go places, like my job.

    Shoot, I’ll keep you in my prayers. Please remember you’re not alone in this struggle called life! Wishing you the best, brave lady.

  • Monica

    Thank you for being so honest. You did a great job on this post. Life is complicated. Anxiety is tough. I’ve had my own struggles too. Maja, there is a God in heaven who created you and loves you. I just want you to know that. He heals and comforts us in our deepest distress. I’m praying you today. Thanks for stepping out of your comfort zone and sharing your heart. That took a lot of courage.

  • Yetismith

    No need to feel shame for being human. I am the last who would judge a person for taking whatever you needed to make you able to feel “normal”. I never took as many high dose meds but I took quite a lot and sometimes for the wrong reason….just to give me the strength to get through the day. People who don’t have the problems have no idea of the struggle. With my comparatively limited problems, I know I can’t imagine yours and the thought of your withdrawal gives me shivers. I am so sorry you have had to suffer so much, but your determination is a testament to the strength of your character. I send you my thoughts and sincere best wishes.

    • Maja

      I believe you can understand how emotional pain that don’t go away for decades (or ever really) looks like.
      Thank you. I’m sending some nice wishes across the mountains and oceans to you too.

  • ZeroSpace

    Maja, I hope you feel better soon, my dear. I’ve been having anxiety ….and I just did a mega-post about it, which I saw that you read. I hope that helped you some! Re-read it a few times if needed. I made it for people like you and me. Hell, I’m tempted to make it into an audio post just for YOU since I know that format is easier for you.
    I want to let you know that just because you are in crisis lately… that does not subtract from your inspiration. People find you inspiring because you post very good articles on your blog, and many people appreciate the other resources you provide links to, including the Ted Talks and things like that.
    You might feel like you’re not worthy of the praise just because you believe that you have some bad habits, or you don’t think you are dealing with things well. That’s probably just your mental health conditions and crisis mode fucking with your head, honey. It happens to me all the time. I call it The Bending Mirrors of Perception. I will post something showing vulnerability or crisis, or even something lighthearted sometimes, but then I Flip Shit with my BPD, and I go back and delete it.
    You are worthy, you are capable and you are inspiring. Ack, I wish I could say something that would make you feel better, but I know exactly how isolating crisis mode is and how it feels like nothing or nobody can help. All I can say is time passes. I am glad you do (or have done) things like therapy, etc. These days I personally am relying a lot on: 1. Hiking or getting outdoors for some amount of time every day, 2. Guided meditation from YouTube every single morning, 3. Practicing guitar 2-3 hours every day (escapism, gets me out of my head). These things help me even though I am starving and experience a lot of dread when it is time to sit down and try to eat a meal.
    Gosh I have talked a lot on your blog today! I hope you find relief. Remember to give us an update soon. Like Ashley said, it’s a good sign that you wrote even though you didn’t feel like it.

    • Maja

      Of course this is a crisis mode fucking with my head, honey. 🙂 Oh how I appreciate your support. Thanks Melissa, really.

      I can understand the part about deleting the posts. I deleted the whole blogs in the past for the very same reason.
      Hooray, you’re finally consistent with your guitar, I’m glad to hear that. 🙂 this kind of escapism is great and unless you’re dealing with anorexia, you’re fine with some hunger. If that’s the price to pay, go for it. According to science it’s even healthy.

      I did find some relief, thanks again. I know I just wrote about quiting smoking, but I would really love to smoke a joint with you one day, under the sky full of stars. 😀 I can’t erase that image from my head ever since I listened to your What if you only had one week to live?
      I haven’t read the whole anxiety post yet to be honest, it’s too long. *blushes* Will come back to your “house” soon to read all of it. You really made my evening Melissa, thanks. For the third time. I’m this happy to see you here. 😀

      • ZeroSpace

        I am glad my comment helped some! 🙂. I would totally smoke a joint with you. I am also so glad that you’re feeling a little better! Yes, I have also read that eating hardly anything is good for health. I think about that whenever I get frustrated. That post I just did that you didn’t read all of is helping me eat solids again 🙃. Slowly. Yes I am being very consistent on guitar – even a little obsessive! In one week I will have 30 days alcohol free. Guitar and AA helping! Hope you continue to feel better.

  • Aimee Nekoranik

    It takes a very brave and strong person to realize they have an unhealthy addiction. In my opinion, it takes an even braver person to openly talk about it. Sometimes I would go to different meetings with Jace (he was brutally honest and admitted that he was an addict with all drugs even though his drug of choice was heroin). I remember a woman who spoke at one meeting who said…
    Once you’ve come to the point of admittance and acceptance with addiction that you’ve overcome the hardest part. Many addicts live in denial. Especially when they can maintain what seems to be a “normal” life. She went on to say…It’s at that moment of honesty when your journey of recovery begins.
    Anyway, she went on to explain why she felt that way as she told her story. That was about 4 years ago. She was so positive and encouraging that I never forgot those words. My experience with addiction might only be from a supportive side but, hopefully what that woman said gives you some pride to be proud of yourself.
    Btw, even when my Jace felt defeated or that he was failing because of a relapse….I still saw him as an inspiration because he found strength not to give up. It truly is one day at a time, as cliche as that may be. 💛

    • Maja

      Thank you Aimee.

      I will never deny my addictive tendencies. But the major point was to show how many things I needed to have in my body in order to cover such severe pain. A pain you can’t show around or even prove that exists, like a leg when it’s broken for example.
      I know I don’t always express myself in a best way to acchieve what I’d like to (still learning English on the go).

      To spread the awareness is more important than getting the compassion for me, but I’m really grateful for the latter to. I appreciate it. 💛

      • Aimee Nekoranik

        Believe me, it’s not you. You are very articulate and precise when you write. It’s most likely just me. I’m still trying to figure out how to manage and cope and learn this new me.

  • 𝑹𝒐𝑩𝑰𝑵 ☄️

    A very honest and touching post again Maja. Seeing your strength to write this even whilst anxious and criticising yourself, and to begin emerging out the other side of that recent bad period— it’s helpful for me too :). Thanks for writing it 💙.

  • expressionofdepression

    Thank you for sharing this with us. Reading your blog has been inspiring to me to continue writing and sharing my thoughts and past experiences of abuse. Please don’t be embarrassed when others say that your writings have been an inspiration, because it is true 🙂

Leave a Reply

%d bloggers like this: