Content warning: not suitable for everybody.
I really wanted to let some thoughts out for days, but I just couldn’t write. I was wondering how the hell shall I write while being in such a weird state of mind?
The answer was really simple. You just do it. But is it easy to do so? Certainly not.
* curses out loud *
Today I’ll do just this. Write while being anxious as shit, which I usually don’t do, because I simply can’t. But probably should at least try. So let’s see where the trying can take a person.
I’ve done some really really stupid shit in the past month, which I’m not proud of. I needed some rest in my head so badly, that I went for some old remedies to feel a bit less.
I’ve reached my goal, but the results weren’t pleasing at all. Quite the opposite. Not much of a surprise to be honest.
I’ve learned the hard way (again – obviously it’s the only way that I’m able to function) that less really is more and no matter how hard I try, I can’t be on too many drugs anymore, even if I’d wanted to. They just don’t work the same anymore.
I also love myself enough that I can’t allow this behavior to last for long (damn you therapy and everybody who is helping!).
What I’m talking about: I went for lots of weed daily, some tobacco (yuck!) on top of my already upped dosage of prescribed meds (I’m on fluoxetine, reboxetine, a dash of clonazepam, and CBD now). Combined with a small amount of unprescribed codeine.
All I was able to achieve was blunting my emotions to the point I couldn’t feel anything, which made me anxious and all I really want is just to get my feelings back. No matter how sad and bad they are every single day (I might change my mind when I get there).
I stopped smoking a few days ago altogether, no weed, no tobacco, I never even liked the taste of tobacco. All I liked from it was a bit of wakefulness that it gave me to pass the day without my severe need for rest or/and sleep.
All I ever wanted from drugs was to feel “normal”…
… while having enough focus to read a book, and go through the basic daily activities without so much struggle.
I never liked to feel high. Yet I was sometimes, I won’t lie, but way less than you might imagine, considering the number of drugs I was taking.
I should be pretty high, but all they did was make my daily activities feel bearable.
This is probably because of the stress that my body went through without a break for pretty much my whole life.
I felt like there was some severe error in my nervous system, all the f*** time since I was a little kid. I was tired all time and still am. Living with symptoms of PTSD and CPTSD for so long isn’t much of a life, to be honest.
I’ve been on so many drugs in the past that I shouldn’t be alive anymore.
A decade ago, my body digested some heavy chemistry on a daily basis:
bupropion 150mg, clonazepam 2mg, codeine 100mg, paracetamol 4000mg, tramadol 400mg, and some weed to put me to sleep at all (and eat something after my appetite went down severely).
Often I topped all of this with sumatriptan for my migraines and anti-ulcer meds and fluoxetine before I upped my tramadol dosage. And lots of caffeine.
This went through my liver for almost 10 years.
Thankfully, you probably can’t even imagine the withdrawals I went through after slowly stopping all of the drugs. Or can you? I really hope not.
I’ve been on nothing for some short period of time and then on bupropion only, but it wasn’t enough. My nervous system really can’t handle any stress on its own.
This alone would probably be enough for CPTSD, without any other trauma included.
This time I’m not craving nicotine at all, but I do crave sugar like crazy.
It’s not easy to resist the cravings, but this time I’m prepared
Carrots, iceberg lettuce, apples, and some dark chocolate (at least 85%) are great for cravings.
Walking also helps. And writing obviously, even though I thought this post won’t have a chance to be written.
I’m really ashamed of myself
And I have some very good reasons to do so. Looking back, I was doing a slow suicide in a way and it’s a miracle that my liver still functions with just a minor raise of some values.
I’ve heard many times that I’m an inspiration to some people. I feel really embarrassed every time I hear that.
In case you’ve missed, you can read I’m your bad example (part 1) here.
Thank you for reading these lines, dear fellow blogger, regular or random reader.
I really appreciate your time and the ability to go through my sometimes really unpleasant writings.
I wish you a nice day. gives high five to everyone while laughing and crying at the same time
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