Just Another Day With CPTSD #2

I hit a pause on my therapy because I’m afraid of getting too attached to another therapist.

I also probably already live a better life than many people with CPTSD in some ways and I’m very grateful for that. I’d like to stay here at least for a while. I still struggle in some areas though.

The balance between alone time and interacting with people is one of them, especially in person.

I’m still getting trauma responses in such situations, and I can’t figure out if I’m craving so much alone time because of this, or could I actually live better without being in physical contact with others. I can communicate in other ways a bit easier because my trauma responses aren’t as strong as they get in person.

Every scientific paper I’ve read is talking about the importance of not isolating yourself. I’m wondering, do we need other people or could a pet be enough?

I’m afraid of getting worse in the terms of my mental health, so I try to stay in touch at least with some people.
I even got into a closer relationship with a very kind and overall nice man with whom I can talk very openly. He’s really sweet. But… something just doesn’t feel right and I can’t feel connected to him.

I can’t feel connected with anybody for quite some time.

When I lose somebody I like, I still experience the same extreme sadness I felt when I was a kid and I feel terrible afterward sometimes. I have even mistaken this painful emotion for love over the years.

I’m still missing my former psychiatrist (who I really liked a lot and even felt connected with) and at the same time, I’m re-experiencing some of my transferred emotions because he reminded me of my dad.
It’s a mixture of love and pain from my past when I used to miss my dad. I’m repeating the same emotions as I did when I was 5 to 15.

I used to miss my dad severely every two weeks when he took me back to my mom’s. I was crying for hours (many times the whole night and every moment when I was alone) until I threw up and got tired from all the stress I felt. I was quite a miserable kid who never learned to self-soothe in a healthy way.

I’ve got a very nice new psychiatrist lately, but I just can’t talk to her about everything that I’d like to. I’m afraid of losing her too I guess.
I’m afraid of losing anyone since I can remember… deadly afraid, not just afraid.

In my experience, all people I love go away or die. Which is a very normal thing in life, but not in my head. A part of my mind still thinks that I’m going to die in such situations and… well it’s just hard.

love

Thankfully this always passes, and I also know some self-soothing techniques now. I’m still angry at myself though for not responding as fast as I’d like…

I hope I will feel more connected eventually. If not, I can still go… We all need to at some point which is a calming thought for me. I like to think about death, it brings me some peace and relief. I just don’t like thinking about the possibility of this being a painful process.

For those who missed: Just Another Day With CPTSD #1

What about you, do you often feel disconnected from others or yourself too? Can you feel closer to animals perhaps?

13 thoughts on “Just Another Day With CPTSD #2”

  1. I understand your feelings because I am very similar. I have withdrawn into a shell but I am lucky that I have someone who is much younger so he can help me live as I do with all my cats. I could not face being in a care home. Would rather die. The people who were friends don’t understand and I feel bad that they probably think I don’t care about them. It’s just that I am different. I am not comfortable with other people and like you, I don’t want to be involved with someone I will lose. I have always had terrible separation anxiety. Every time I lose one of my pets I feel as if my heart will shatter. It is how I have always been. For me it doesn’t matter now because I am 74. For a younger person, it is probably better to have interaction with other people because it is hard to manage alone. The more you stay away, the harder it becomes when you do have to interact. My words are no help except to say that there are others like yourself. I wish I could help heal your heart because I know how awful it is to feel loss the way you do.

    Reply
    • I believe you that it’s getting harder with age.

      Many people don’t understand that living with CPTSD can be chronic and that you can’t get better sometimes even with the hard work or the work becomes just too much.

      I think I can understand you more now for having so many cats. I’d like to have more animals too now, I just don’t have the conditions for more right now. I’m very happy for you that you set yourself such a warm environment. It sounds much better than any care home I’ve seen so far (I used to work there from time to time).

      Your words do helps, thank you Carolyn. ❤️

      Reply
  2. I think that you’re lovely, dear Maja, and, were you near, I would happily share a hug & kiss with you! Best wishes today and everyday, my friend ❣️😙🌹

    Reply
  3. I was diagnosed with PTSD after my daughter committed suicide. I went through losing my therapist as well and I don’t want to go to another because I don’t want to have to talk about everything all over again. I can understand completely how you feel. I need alone time but I don’t want to be alone forever. My family really grounds me or I swear I would be living in a camper traveling around.

    Reply
  4. I hope you are able to stay connected to the people you do have in contact with now. I too get very attached to people. I know it’s not the healthiest thing in the world. I guess we should try to enjoy people when they’re with us and appreciate the role they play at a particular time in our life.

    Reply
  5. I think feeling disconnected – both from others and ourselves – is the natural state of contemporary life in the west. Technology has made us less likely to interact with others in real life, and so most of our interactions tend to be on social media, and most of these exchanges are empty calories, so to speak.

    There’s also the whole late stage capitalism thing, which demands a sort of alienation from one another, etc. I truly believe someone without any mental illness simply isn’t paying enough attention. I’m sorry you’re struggling. Ironically, it’s perhaps the one thing we all have in common, if we’re honest

    Reply
    • Thanks Jack.
      I don’t believe that technology is the one to blame. I like your comparison to empty calories though. It can be like this sometimes probably. I believe there is more than just black and white story here. Technology can also bring people closer and much more.

      Technology and capitalism are a part of many people’s lives, and it’s up to them to find a way for using them to their advantage. Easier said than done I believe, but not impossible though.

      Can you see any advantages in technology and human connections?

      Reply

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