I hit a pause on my therapy because I’m afraid of getting too attached to another therapist.
I also probably already live a better life than many people with CPTSD in some ways and I’m very grateful for that. I’d like to stay here at least for a while. I still struggle in some areas though.
The balance between alone time and interacting with people is one of them, especially in person.
I’m still getting trauma responses in such situations, and I can’t figure out if I’m craving so much alone time because of this, or could I actually live better without being in physical contact with others. I can communicate in other ways a bit easier because my trauma responses aren’t as strong as they get in person.
Every scientific paper I’ve read is talking about the importance of not isolating yourself. I’m wondering, do we need other people or could a pet be enough?
I’m afraid of getting worse in the terms of my mental health, so I try to stay in touch at least with some people.
I even got into a closer relationship with a very kind and overall nice man with whom I can talk very openly. He’s really sweet. But… something just doesn’t feel right and I can’t feel connected to him.
I can’t feel connected with anybody for quite some time.
When I lose somebody I like, I still experience the same extreme sadness I felt when I was a kid and I feel terrible afterward sometimes. I have even mistaken this painful emotion for love over the years.
I’m still missing my former psychiatrist (who I really liked a lot and even felt connected with) and at the same time, I’m re-experiencing some of my transferred emotions because he reminded me of my dad.
It’s a mixture of love and pain from my past when I used to miss my dad. I’m repeating the same emotions as I did when I was 5 to 15.
I used to miss my dad severely every two weeks when he took me back to my mom’s. I was crying for hours (many times the whole night and every moment when I was alone) until I threw up and got tired from all the stress I felt. I was quite a miserable kid who never learned to self-soothe in a healthy way.
I’ve got a very nice new psychiatrist lately, but I just can’t talk to her about everything that I’d like to. I’m afraid of losing her too I guess.
I’m afraid of losing anyone since I can remember… deadly afraid, not just afraid.
In my experience, all people I love go away or die. Which is a very normal thing in life, but not in my head. A part of my mind still thinks that I’m going to die in such situations and… well it’s just hard.
Thankfully this always passes, and I also know some self-soothing techniques now. I’m still angry at myself though for not responding as fast as I’d like…
I hope I will feel more connected eventually. If not, I can still go… We all need to at some point which is a calming thought for me. I like to think about death, it brings me some peace and relief. I just don’t like thinking about the possibility of this being a painful process.
For those who missed: Just Another Day With CPTSD #1
What about you, do you often feel disconnected from others or yourself too? Can you feel closer to animals perhaps?