Just Another Day With CPTSD #1

In case you were wondering why I was blogging less…

I’ve had an idea about posting less of my personal thoughts because I never wanted to have a blog where it would be so much about me. And yet here I am. It is what it is now…

I question myself a lot.
Some days I strongly believe that I’m a psychopath or sociopath. Sometimes I still don’t know who was I and more importantly, who am I – the abuser, the victim, both, neither?

I still battle my inner critic, sometimes we get along. Other times my other parts take over and I battle that.
My head feels like a neverending battlefield sometimes. When I’m grounded, I prefer to call this my own little kindergarten, because it makes me feel more compassionate towards my inner parts.

kindergarten

When they become too demanding (which was nearly every day again), I need to put all of my efforts just to keep them from killing each other or better put, me from the inside.
I lack the energy for many basic daily things for that matter.

I’m well aware of what is going on in my head, I just can’t stop it as fast as I’d wanted. And that sux.
It’s not all bad though.

I’m grateful for the drops of joy and relaxation when they come. I’m also very grateful for all the people who support me along the way, including you who take your time to comment on my posts. ❤️

I’ve changed some doctors and therapists recently. I’m not happy about it but I can’t do much here, so I’m trying to adapt.

Every situation can be an opportunity for growth.

You just need to keep your focus where you need it the most. Sometimes easier said than done, I know.

I feel like my focus dropped severely in the last couple of months along with my other mental abilities. I feel like I’m locked from the part of my brain too.

When I don’t eat, drink, sleep, poop, exercise, overthink, fight flashbacks or obsess, I learn, despite everything. I’m now certified even in mindfulness, but the knowledge doesn’t mean much if I can’t share it or otherwise use it. And currently, I’m in such selfish mode that all I can give is a thought from my head or two – the useless parts.

If you want to learn something new too, feel free to join me at Coursera or Udemy.

This will be it for today because my mind just doesn’t cooperate as it should. The point of this whole mess was me trying to show up in here, even though I’m not in the mood for doing so or otherwise prepared as I’d like to, to give you more from a post than this.
I love blogging for such opportunities and all of you who are here during my highs and lows, I really appreciate it.

What about you, what are you doing these days?

17 thoughts on “Just Another Day With CPTSD #1”

  1. PTSD looks like narcissism from a distance we are concerned about ourselves but the opposite of a narcissist

    Mindfulness is the best weapon we have for wellbeing

    Nice post

    Reply
  2. Ha. I got old! When there was nobody left who might disapprove of what I did, I got liberated. Why would I allow other people to affect me so? It’s good to be aware of other people and I would hope never to offend anyone or cause them pain, but I think you must be true to yourself and listen to your own heart. I had body dysmorphia all my life and was always terribly self-conscious. I’m sure no-one ever really cared a bit what I looked like! Now I live like a hermit with my cats and another social misfit. You know I shall always wish you well. Life is tough even if you don’t have “issues”!

    Reply
    • No, others probably didn’t care about your looks. What we usually spot more is how we feel near other people. Yet we’re still doing what we do in our own heads, because we were taught so and it ain’t easy to break these patterns.
      Indeed, life is tough even if you don’t have “issues”.

      Reply
  3. Thank you for posting this. I have been away from posting anything in my blog because of exactly what you’ve written in this blog. I’ve been struggling (which is an understatement) and have not been able to do much of anything apart from focusing all my energy into being able to be at work and be present there. Just want you to know that it’s ok to write about what your thoughts and struggles are … there’s always someone that can relate and find it helpful.

    Reply
  4. Congrats for getting through today, Maja. I can only imagine and empathize how challenging it must be to navigate and balance all the rapid fire thoughts and emotions going through your head. Take it easy and take good care!

    Reply
  5. Maja Maja people love reading your heartfelt thoughts because it is all helpful and relatable to someone, even if it feels like a mess to you. Your blog can be both things you are thinking of— a way to help others and also yourself. It’s very therapeutic to get your inner thoughts about your own situation out there. It’s free therapy :). Your blog wouldn’t be your blog without these posts. 💙

    Reply
    • You just draw a big smile upon my face. 🙂 Thanks for everything Robin. You’re the best blogging friend I could ever imagine and I strongly believe I’m not the only one thinking like this. ❤️

      Reply
  6. I LOVE the whole calling the inner battles in Your head Your own little kindergarten! That’s absolutely genius and I will use that myself! Seems like it will make things much lighter. You’ve got me thinking about making my inner critic a little kid playing dress up as a “bad guy” and bullying with all his bravado and might. It’s making me laugh as I sit here. Thank You!!! Sending huge hugs and tons of Love Your way. Thanks for posting all this. Cheers! 💕

    Reply

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