My Story About a Wish To Become A Mother – Despite CPTSD

After lots and lots of thinking, I’ve decided to share another deeply personal insight with you.

I believe there are many stories like this and it’s good to support each other along the way. I hope you’ll find something for you in mine too.

Ok (breathes deeply), I’m going into the family and kids thing today. A subject I’ve been avoiding in my head for ages. It was easier in many ways, but it was still running away. And this doesn’t end up well – at least for me it never did.

If you’d asked me last year or many times before if I want to have family, I’d give a very short and strict answer. No. I could give you a 1001 reason why not and not even one why could this be possible. All or nothing, my classic old way of thinking. Sounds familiar to anyone?

I believe that every kid needs a stable mom. And a stable dad.

Speaking about stability… I don’t want to tell you how many meds I ate to numb my emotions enough just to write these couple of lines without feeling the emotions I’ve been avoiding for so long. And I don’t want to do this ever again.

We need to make some mistakes just to see more clearly that they are mistakes and to finally stop doing them.

I believe my writings sux this way too (might be wrong). Emotions are the element that brings the stories to life. What do you think?
But. Emotions can also cloud my way of thinking severely, so I need some of those meds to actually do things many people do without.

This is just one of the reasons why I’m not a mom yet. I wasn’t able to see the way I could provide even the very basics, like a body, that wouldn’t harm my baby who’d certainly deserve only the very best. In my ideal scenario, I’d avoid being pregnant at all. In my ideal scenario, I’d probably avoid many things, that are actually essential for me to become who I want to be. So my ideal actually isn’t ideal at all. Just a random reminder: don’t believe everything you think.

Another reason is that I still don’t have a partner in crime with who I’d be comfortable enough to go on such a journey.

I’ll stick to Gollum for now.
Gollum
This could be me many many times, looking at my past choices. πŸ˜€

Animals are great for many things, but they are not humans nor can they substitute any human relationship.

If you’re feeling lonely often, I’d strongly recommend you a pet if you don’t already have one. Gollum did miracles for me, there is also some science behind and even looking at the pictures of cute animals can benefit your mental health.

I’m still having a strong desire to become a mom someday despite everything. This might be just another thing that I’ll need to learn to live with. Or not. We’ll see.

I’m actually working really hard to put myself together. For me, all the people I love and maybe even a baby someday.

I’d love to hear from you. This is quite a sensitive topic, so I won’t push with any particular question. You can write whatever you like if you feel to.

23 thoughts on “My Story About a Wish To Become A Mother – Despite CPTSD

  1. Sarada Gray Reply

    I don’t really know how to advise you. I don’t know how old you are and whether you have time on your side. Motherhood is demanding so I think much depends on the support you have around you. Disabled parents seem to function quite well with enough support

    • Lampelina Post authorReply

      I believe so too.
      I don’t have a partner in crime for this either. I wasn’t comfortable with anyone to do such a project with yet (I’m 38).
      Thanks for your support Sarada. ♥

  2. Wordplay-ful.Girl Reply

    I have CPTSD, too, but writing on my blog helps me to exorcise those hateful restraining voices in my head that were established when I was 3 years old! It’s been very therapeutic for me. Great post!

    • Lampelina Post authorReply

      Thanks. I’m glad that you find blogging therapeutic too. It’s a great too. Keep up the good work ♥

  3. Yetismith Reply

    Fortunately, I never had a maternal instinct. When I was a kid I didn’t want dolls. I wanted teddy bears and toy animals and mostly, I wanted a horse. It’s just as well because I can’t imagine how I would have coped with motherhood. I think way too many women take it far too casually, not thinking through all that it means to be responsible for another soul, another person. I used to think that if I found a partner who wanted a child, I would do it for him and I would have tried to be good at it. After all the child would be part of the person I loved, right? But I do not regret being childless. The world has become far too scary and I see only terror and anguish for future generations. Just the way I feel.

    • Lampelina Post authorReply

      I used to see the world in very similar ways.
      I’m glad you can find this forutnate and that you’re happy with your decision. ♥

  4. neptunesdolphins Reply

    i have CPTSD among other mental problems. You are right – it does take a stable family. I had a son who had problems from the beginning. His father and I got help as soon as we could. It took two of us to raise him.

  5. Ashley L. Peterson Reply

    I think you’d be an awesome mom, and you’d make it really clear to your child how valued they were.

    For myself, I’m happy being a guinea pig mom.

  6. Phil Reply

    Nobody is perfect and everybody has difficulties of some nature. Yet, if it’s what you want most, and feel in your heart as a prospective mother that you could be an ongoing source of unconditional love, I think that’s what matters most. Best wishes, dear Maja πŸ™‚

  7. Hetty Eliot Reply

    I never really thought about it seriously until recently as the clock has begun ticking very loudly all of a sudden. It’s a painful subject I can’t really do justice to in a brief comment. But I will say you’re doing something important for others by writing about it.

  8. Jay's Sandbox Reply

    I’m in the same boat, but with a partner and we’ve both changed our stance on children. Both with our own issues.
    Sometimes there’s a blog post that hits right – this time, it’s this one. Thank you

  9. Eleanor Lorene Lowe Reply

    Thank you for such an honest and great post! Very relatable!

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