Sharing Sunday: Nerve Wracking Anxious, But Alive

I was determined to end my life at the end of the last December. When I finally made a perfect plan to die, life came.

Of course, life didn’t happen overnight and it wasn’t a miracle at all. Spoiler alert.
It was a result of the hard work I put into myself and the relationships around me.

It was a hell of a month(s), but I finally feel more alive again. At least I think so. 😀 This fluctuates still, especially during “these” days.

If you imagine me jumping for joy, you’d see me wrong.

I’m often shaking, speaking too fast, too much or both, blushing, awkwardly moving, and crying a lot. Crying out of relief, because the worse scenario, I had in my head didn’t happen once again. I laugh too though, don’t worry. And some things still don’t work out as planned, some never will, I know.

Sometimes I feel like I don’t have a clue about what the f*** am I doing and if I should do my next step or not. I’m doing it anyway and allowing myself to make some more mistakes along the way – with my inner critic beside me. He’s still a monster sometimes, but when I’m grounded I can see that he just wants the best for me.

I still have my bad days and bad moments, especially when the PMDD monster strikes and blocks my abilities to ground myself. And he doesn’t skip a month.

I don’t avoid all of the situations I want to be a part of anymore, despite the horrifying emotions that arise when I even think about doing the next thing outside of my comfort zone.

I’ve spent an amazing day today, despite a horrifying migraine and severe anxiety. And I’m beyond grateful for some people who helped me to make this day even more special. And my body, which managed to survive all of my attacks. Not proud of them.

gratitude

I can’t feel grateful all the time, so I cherish the days when I can.

I hope you’ve had a nice weekend. Did you feel alive? What are you grateful for?

16 thoughts on “Sharing Sunday: Nerve Wracking Anxious, But Alive”

  1. I’m grateful that at this moment I am not in need of any kind. I have my inner critic too. I used to think of it as a little man wearing hob-nail boots, stomping around. Any time I started to feel happy, he would shout “NO! NO! NO!” He’s been quiet for some time. I am getting to the end of my time and I am grateful for any day that I can remain in my own home with my pets. If that ever changes, I may do something drastic because I can no longer be around people.

    Reply
    • It’s nice to hear that your inner critic didn’t bug you for some time.
      I believe that you can’t be around people, pets can be far more comforting for our inner parts.
      I’m sending a warm hug to you and your big cat family 🥰

      Reply
  2. I am glad you are around to share this story, Maja. That inner critic truly is a horrible monster and I am glad you’ve developed strategies to move on from that voice. 🙂

    Reply
      • For me, the most important to acknowledge is that the negative self talk is not another “monster” or individual, but just a part of me that’s very self critical and probably wounded by negative past experiences… and that I am more powerful than it. Once that clicks into place, it’s easy to navigate out of the toxic negativity.

        As a parent, I’m still figuring out how best to cultivate positive rather than negative self talk in my little boy. I guess it’s about giving him skills to express his feelings, good and bad, and giving him reassurance things will be ok. I don’t know. Ask me again in a few years. 😅

        Reply
  3. Years ago I had made the perfect plan to die, at a time when my daughter would be visiting with her father. The universe intervened, sent my second husband to me to walk me into the next phase of my life. He wasn’t my forever person, there was more healing to do after that. The biggest change in my life came when I learned to speak differently to myself. All my life I spoke just as harshly to myself as my abusers had, because I had internalized all the negativity they were projecting onto me. When I realized that everything they were saying were lies which came from their own deep place of damage, I was finally able to start releasing all those lies. To say that teaching myself to speak kindly to myself and to practice suspending judgment was easy would be inaccurate. It was hard. I choked on the kind words I was trying to say to myself. However I persisted, because I was sick and tired of being anxious and depressed.

    I’m very happy to hear that you have been walking this path too. It takes work and effort to lay down a new network of Neutral Pathways. Bravo!!

    Reply

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