Random Thoughts

Still failing, but this time better

Hi dear readers and fellow bloggers. I’m still alive, kicking, and wanted to write a post for a while now, but I just couldn’t. My self-control went a bit out of control and is shifting from being a bit too low and sometimes being too high. My thoughts are also shifting a lot and they just aren’t at the “right” speed. Well, fuck it. There is no such thing as a perfect moment, so I’m writing this anyway. 🙂

Hm, where should I begin?

I made another change in my meds (under my favorite shrink’s supervision – please do so when it comes to you too, even if your shrink is not your favorite btw). It was a promising one, at least this is how it looked like. I’ve got some more energy almost instantly. It was really nice to move around a little bit easier.

Then my PMS kicked in and nothing felt right ever since (overloading myself with too much caffeine after quitting benzos wasn’t the best idea). This anxiety became unbearable to the point that I really needed to take a small amount of benzo today.

The world won’t end and my body will progress better if I cut the stress sooner. I’m using this post as a self-reminder in a way. As I’m writing this, I can see very fast how stupid my behavior was. I can’t see that when I leave my thoughts in my mind only.

This is actually backed by science. You can think much clearer if you write down your thoughts.
*writes a to-do note too*

I’m one incredibly forgetful mess without post (and other) notes, and this is getting only worse atm.

As far as my benzo withdrawal goes… I did many things much better than I did 7 years ago when I completely left my life for the sake of the withdrawal.
This time I didn’t isolate myself, I asked for help in the right moments (so far), I did a lot in the terms of healthy living, etc.
If I’ll come to the point when a so-called normal life won’t be possible anymore, I’ll take another pill. No more aiming for “perfection” in terms of staying clean just for the sake of staying clean of something. It’s stupid.

I went into a slight panic that I’m becoming a bit manic with my racing anxious thoughts, but… I’m actually pretty fine until I grab the bottle of Coca-Cola Zero and pour way too much into me, along with some coffee.

I can still try better tomorrow, right? And you can bet that I will. 🙂

I’m well aware that this might not be my very best post, yet it’s the best I can write under current circumstances. And as such it’s actually perfect.
Life has its ups and downs and so does blogging. Sometimes it’s more important to show up a little bit fucked up, rather than not showing up at all.
I’m working on this in other areas of my life too, so this might add a little extra to my anxiety as well.

Like I wrote in the title: still failing, but this time better. 😉

What about you, how are you doing? What does your relationship with caffeine look like?

16 Comments

  • Yetismith

    Understand completely! I actually don’t have a lot of caffeine, so it’s not an issue for me. Years ago I was on Fiorinal for headaches. I’m not even sure what’s in that stuff but I ended up taking it just to get through my day, regardless of if I had a headache or not. On those things I became supergirl. Nothing bothered me and I had lots of energy. The job I had and my living conditions at the time were very stressful and I had ti get through it, so that’s what did. I don’t think that stuff can be addictive, though, because when I no longer had access to it, I didn’t go into withdrawal like when I had to come off oxycodone which was grim. I agree, if you need some sort of chemical adjustment to make life manageable, there is no problem. It’s no different than the thyroid med I have to take. I shall always need anti-depressants. It’s just how I am and I won’t apologize for it. I’m sorry it’s been a rough time for you, but you are writing and that is a really good thing. But as you said, when you change meds, do it with the help of a doctor. Otherwise you can really mess yourself up. Feel better soon. XX

  • ZeroSpace

    Lady! Glad to see you again. I know what it’s like to drink coffee because you are depressed and have no energy during PMS, but then become anxious because of the caffeine. We are constantly trying to strike a balance because we want to feel like our “normal” self and be productive. But the pendulum swings too far in the other direction.
    I am terrible about caffeine. I am working on a 1 pm cut off time so I can sleep better at night but that’s hard when you really want a coke at 3 pm. Coffee in the morning and coke later is great. But even that small amount of caffeine in Coke will keep me up until 2!
    PMS is the devil. I just bought weed for mine next time.

  • Ab

    “You can think much clearer if you write down your thoughts.” Good insight and glad you shared your thoughts with us! Hope you feel better!

  • Nigel Paddon

    I used to drink coffee and tea (in evenings), have now alternated instant coffe with decaff coffee, as was getting too much hyperactivity, and sleeping issues, then compounded by noisy neighbours at the wrong time. being in control of your life requires you to take responseibility for those issues that are within your own control, while seeking help for those which others have caused. As degre chemist, I am aware that everything that enters your body will have biochmeical influences, and can affect your emotions and state of mind, and thus keep a close eye on what I am eating. Everything can have an influence, and some can react with each other (eg St John worts with contraceptive pill), same can apply to FOOO! Some people can also be sensitised or turn allergy to certain oils and components of foods, and their could environment influences in your local area that is affecting several people at the same time eg anything that goes into your water supply. – Apologies for spelling errors, I am only seeing the top part of each the letters in my sentences, as the little box is squeezed up very thin. Slow down, have less demands on what you want in life, aim for simplifying and get yourselves some peace of mind. Good lcuk (Can’t remember all my points or whether I made them now, so will leave it there. Take care of yourselves, Calm. contentment.Aim for aspirations that are within your reach, etc) Toodle-loo xox

    • Maja

      Good point about taking care of responsibilities, Nigel. Indeed, everything we put in our mouth have biochemical influence.

  • Aimee Nekoranik

    I don’t think you’re failing at all! You’re doing the best you can and reaching out for help. That’s quite an accomplishment that you should be very proud of. And as you said, there’s always tomorrow. One day at a time is something my Jace lived by and that motto couldn’t be more fit. Try not to be too hard on yourself….no one’s perfect. Also, I know that’s better said than done…I do the same when I feel like I’m not grieving right. Btw, love your Post It lol. I literally have to write my entire day down the night before or else I walk around saying….”I don’t know what I’m doing”….”I forget what I came in here for”….lol. I think many of us are on some sort of journey that’s our own, that has no rules, no How To guide….it’s more of a path to learn from and make us become a better version of ourselves than the day before. I’m proud of you for sharing this. I think it helps a lot of people. 💛

  • Fairy Queen

    I also suffer from anxiety and in this period it was bad having to stay at home for months, I had to take drops of tranquilizers several times a day. Having to limit contacts and having to endure all of this. Furthermore, I have various other diseases and I did not have the right information on the vaccine and I believe that I will not do it because I do not want to risk dying. However, even the rainy weather makes me more anxious. I hate the rain.

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