Hi dear readers and fellow bloggers. I’m still alive, kicking, and wanted to write a post for a while now, but I just couldn’t. My self-control went a bit out of control and is shifting from being a bit too low and sometimes being too high. My thoughts are also shifting a lot and they just aren’t at the “right” speed. Well, fuck it. There is no such thing as a perfect moment, so I’m writing this anyway. 🙂
Hm, where should I begin?
I made another change in my meds (under my favorite shrink’s supervision – please do so when it comes to you too, even if your shrink is not your favorite btw). It was a promising one, at least this is how it looked like. I’ve got some more energy almost instantly. It was really nice to move around a little bit easier.
Then my PMS kicked in and nothing felt right ever since (overloading myself with too much caffeine after quitting benzos wasn’t the best idea). This anxiety became unbearable to the point that I really needed to take a small amount of benzo today.
The world won’t end and my body will progress better if I cut the stress sooner. I’m using this post as a self-reminder in a way. As I’m writing this, I can see very fast how stupid my behavior was. I can’t see that when I leave my thoughts in my mind only.
This is actually backed by science. You can think much clearer if you write down your thoughts.
*writes a to-do note too*
I’m one incredibly forgetful mess without post (and other) notes, and this is getting only worse atm.
As far as my benzo withdrawal goes… I did many things much better than I did 7 years ago when I completely left my life for the sake of the withdrawal.
This time I didn’t isolate myself, I asked for help in the right moments (so far), I did a lot in the terms of healthy living, etc.
If I’ll come to the point when a so-called normal life won’t be possible anymore, I’ll take another pill. No more aiming for “perfection” in terms of staying clean just for the sake of staying clean of something. It’s stupid.
I went into a slight panic that I’m becoming a bit manic with my racing anxious thoughts, but… I’m actually pretty fine until I grab the bottle of Coca-Cola Zero and pour way too much into me, along with some coffee.
I can still try better tomorrow, right? And you can bet that I will. 🙂
I’m well aware that this might not be my very best post, yet it’s the best I can write under current circumstances. And as such it’s actually perfect.
Life has its ups and downs and so does blogging. Sometimes it’s more important to show up a little bit fucked up, rather than not showing up at all.
I’m working on this in other areas of my life too, so this might add a little extra to my anxiety as well.
Like I wrote in the title: still failing, but this time better. 😉
What about you, how are you doing? What does your relationship with caffeine look like?