Depression can make us really selfish. At least this is what it did to me.
I used to function in a way that I put everyone before me. I really wasn’t a selfish person, even when I’d needed to be, for my own good. Setting some healthy boundaries just wasn’t my thing.
The difference between being depressed and just purely selfish is in the way you feel afterwards. If you’re a truly selfish person, you lack the feeling of guilt. But if you aren’t, the guilt will get you sooner or later. It doesn’t make you a bad person, it’s a normal human thing, I’m learning. We all do mistakes.
When you’re depressed, you might feel all the guilt, but you might also become so numb, that even the guilt doesn’t reach you.
You simply don’t care anymore. About anything or anyone. This is where I was when I turned my back to literally all of my friends. I wasn’t approachable to give or take any help. Or anything at all really. I’m overreacting a bit. It wasn’t that bad, but this is exactly how I saw myself back then. According to what my friends told me, I wasn’t as selfish as I was convinced into in my own head.
To some point, it’s a nice feeling, because you feel free. But overall it can be terrible. The longer you’re in it, the harder you come out. But well, you can also stay in this mode if it doesn’t start to make you or others miserable. It’s up to you, you know, and the goals about the person you’d like to spend the rest of your life with. Because you’re the only person you’re stuck with 24 hours a day.
This whole thing made my bad feelings even worse. And then there came the awful feelings of shame too. These feelings prevented me to reach out for help for a long time. Because I convinced myself that such a selfish person doesn’t really deserve one. Everything I just wrote, combined with being raised as somebody who needs to keep everything inside… I would give up on myself a long time ago if I wasn’t surrounded by some really great people. I’m probably one of the richest people in this world because of them.
I’m still caught in some post-depression blues, but with a little help from my friends, I think I’ll be just fine. If I’ll keep on working on myself. And boy, this work really never ends. It’s hard when you lack energy and motivation, but it’s worth it. For people around you and for yourself.
What about you, are you familiar with this post-depression blues too?