Random thoughts

The post-depression blues

Depression can make us really selfish. At least this is what it did to me.

I used to function in a way that I put everyone before me. I really wasn’t a selfish person, even when I’d needed to be, for my own good. Setting some healthy boundaries just wasn’t my thing.

The difference between being depressed and just purely selfish is in the way you feel afterwards. If you’re a truly selfish person, you lack the feeling of guilt. But if you aren’t, the guilt will get you sooner or later. It doesn’t make you a bad person, it’s a normal human thing, I’m learning. We all do mistakes.

When you’re depressed, you might feel all the guilt, but you might also become so numb, that even the guilt doesn’t reach you.

You simply don’t care anymore. About anything or anyone. This is where I was when I turned my back to literally all of my friends. I wasn’t approachable to give or take any help. Or anything at all really. I’m overreacting a bit. It wasn’t that bad, but this is exactly how I saw myself back then. According to what my friends told me, I wasn’t as selfish as I was convinced into in my own head.

To some point, it’s a nice feeling, because you feel free. But overall it can be terrible. The longer you’re in it, the harder you come out. But well, you can also stay in this mode if it doesn’t start to make you or others miserable. It’s up to you, you know, and the goals about the person you’d like to spend the rest of your life with. Because you’re the only person you’re stuck with 24 hours a day.

This whole thing made my bad feelings even worse. And then there came the awful feelings of shame too. These feelings prevented me to reach out for help for a long time. Because I convinced myself that such a selfish person doesn’t really deserve one. Everything I just wrote, combined with being raised as somebody who needs to keep everything inside… I would give up on myself a long time ago if I wasn’t surrounded by some really great people. I’m probably one of the richest people in this world because of them.

I’m still caught in some post-depression blues, but with a little help from my friends, I think I’ll be just fine. If I’ll keep on working on myself. And boy, this work really never ends. It’s hard when you lack energy and motivation, but it’s worth it. For people around you and for yourself.

What about you, are you familiar with this post-depression blues too?

Further reading:
10 Things People With Depression Want You to Know
Living with a Depressed Person
Narcissism Versus Depression

0 Comments

  • awood10816

    πŸ™‚ We talked about the selfishness of depression the other week… and now we talk about shame and guilt – you might just as well have ripped a page from my diary! Even though you got there first… I’m still gonna write my blog take on it. But you write very simply – it really encourages people to interact πŸ™‚

    • Maja

      Thanks. Feel free to use whatever might encourage you to do some good to yourself. We learn from each others and I believe sharing is caring πŸ™‚

  • arshia

    This post really resonated with me. While I was in depression, I made choices that I thought were benefiting other people (pushing them away, my attempts at suicide so I wouldn’t be a burden), and coming out of that made me see just how much pain I caused to other people, and I felt so extremely guilty. I’m constantly trying to learn from my experiences then.
    Thank you so much for sharing your journey, it really makes me feel hope and light, and like we all are truly on this journey to healing together. Love to you.

  • The Strong Traveller

    I used to be a fat kid and bullied all around the year by my seniors. I have successfully altered that but the effects of those comments on me have never left. I still think myself to be a very inferior being amongst this vast population of humans.

    Even if I know I am better at something I am too scared to open my mouth thinking about what people will think about me. I always try to put a good show and that has been affecting me.

    I like how you reflect all my thoughts in your writings. I don’t know what I feel is similar to what you do but I still thought about writing it because it disturbs me.

    Have a great day Lampelina πŸ™‚

    Do check out my blog. There is some travel and lifestyle content that you might find interesting. Do follow if you like it πŸ™‚

  • Fen

    I have a feeling my friend is feeling the same as you are. How did your friends help you? Is there any advice you can give on this? I would appreciate it a lot.

    Anyway, I hope you’re feeling better! So glad that you’re surrounded by caring people πŸ™‚

    • Maja

      Thanks, Fen. πŸ™‚
      My friends help me just by being there. I started to send them random good morning or just random “hi” messages on a weekly basis or so. It really doesn’t take much, but can work wonders. I’m getting the same back from them (you know the saying, “be the change you want to see” – I’m still surprised how much can such a little thing do for those who care). It gives me more of the feeling that we’re there for each other even though we don’t always have the time for long talks or meetings.
      I used to avoid such things in the past because I thought I will annoy people. I might, but nobody complained about these messages – yet. πŸ™‚
      I hope this helps.

      • Fen

        I see.. thank you so much for this! It will help me a lot with regards to my friend. I wish you all the best as well xx

  • christalgrace

    My post-depression blues still hit me, and I appreciated this post tremendously. Working on yourself will be a lifetime project, but worth it. Thank you sharing this post πŸ™πŸ½

  • Mosa

    Oh gosh I relate with this post. While I was gping through depression, I shut everybody out and it made feel bad but also I really cared less because..like you said, you become selfish. Thanks for sharing.

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