A while ago, I wrote a letter to my special someone. This post will be closely connected to it.
I imagined love in many other ways, but never like this. I never thought that unrequited love will give so much life and love to me. From me.
I guess it makes sense in a way. While you feel so much love and you can’t give it to somebody else, you might end up giving it to yourself. ¯_(ツ)_/¯
How I fell in love in the first place?
I’m tired of overexplaining myself, not just to shrinks, but to others as well. Some people just don’t get you and that’s fine, but I really needed this at the time. I’ve got the feeling that he trully understood what I’m saying instantly.
One day when we talked, it felt like I saw myself in a mirror. My less damaged self, with all of my strong parts (of course, I can spot some of his bad threads too and I’m well aware we don’t know each other oh that well).
I’ve got the feeling that I’ve met the male version of me in a way.
He usually says exactly the same things I’d say to somebody else. But obviously I needed him to start listening to my own wisdom and some other people too.
Words are very powerful and it does matter where they come from. Choose them wisely. You never know who you end up saving a life to.
He also reminds me of my dad – it makes sense, I do look like my dad in many ways, we’re closelly related. As much as it felt right, it felt very very wrong. And this wasn’t just because of he being my shrink an reminding me of my dad.
This was a piece of puzzle I’ve been banging my head with for very long time. I couldn’t get it why the hell do I feel so embarased? Is it because it feels like falling in love with my dad? I thought so at first, but this really wasn’t the case. It was far worse and really sad.
It was because I was so ashamed of loving me. I still am to some point.
I’m taking him as a mentor in a way now. Because of this experience, I can spot more of these traits in some other people too.
This love also protected me from falling too deep with the wrong guys. I’m beyond grateful for that.
I thought how much will I change through the therapy. But I only changed my point of view. I haven’t changed myself much, I’m just learning how to use this great brain of mine. I still don’t listen to myself, but I do listen to people who think in a similar way.
It matters who is around you, it matters a lot.
Is love really the greatest?
There might be one thing that is stronger than love. It’s called gratitude. This is how I came to the love for myself actually. It took me lots and lots of mindfulness with often focus on gratitude. It might work for you too or not, but there might be something on it.
People come and go. But you stay. You are always there for you, even when you think you’re not. And so it goes until your very last breath.
I hope you are in a good company.
What about you? What helps you to love yourself in a healthy way?