I prefer to rant into my private journal or release unpleasant feelings through exercise. Or talking to somebody very close to me.
But I’ve done pretty much everything and nothing helped today. At this point I’d go for a razor or some drugs (that’s something I’ve been avoiding for many years, but I did have a few relapses).
If I have to pick one more thing today, I chose writing. So writing it is. Sorry dear reader.
It’s really hard to understand, even for me, that something you can’t even see, can hurt so much.
I’m talking about emotional pain, which is involved in similar regions of the brain than physical pain.
When you break your leg, you actually see the injury. In emotional situations you can’t see anything at all sometimes. I’m surprised how normal can we look while suffering so badly.
This is exhausting and sometimes I really think I won’t be able to take it a second longer. It’s not just the intensity, but the time.
I can have some good time, but I can’t go even one single day without noticing the pain. It’s there and it doesn’t stop, no matter what I do or don’t do.
This has been going on since my childhood. Some drugs help to numb the pain, but it never really goes away. 🙁
I’m suicidal on a daily basis for a few years now. This doesn’t go away either, but it’s easier to live with.
I think this is a common story for many people with PTSD or CPTSD. If you have any suggestion about coping with this pain, it will be more than welcome.
I’m having therapy twice per week now, taking my meds regularly, I do stick to my healthy routines, practice mindfulness, living quite healthy life etc.
But I’m obviously missing something. There must be a way to stop this madness.