Love & Relationships

This is the best dating advice I can give you

I never struggled to get the attention of men. But it seemed that I mostly attracted “the wrong” ones. And there is only one person to blame – me.

One of the most important questions to ask yourself before even think about dating is – would you like to date yourself?
You need to be brutally honest with yourself when answering, or it just won’t work.

You can write down all your reasons why would you (and wouldn’t) date yourself. Then go out and work to become the person you’d fall in love with – just to clear things out – in a healthy way, not supporting a narcissism here.

You don’t need to be perfect in anything to be good enough

Doing your best might be the perfection you’re seeking. For you and your future (or present) partner. If somebody doesn’t like you while you’re doing your best, he/she doesn’t deserve you.
Just reading about taking care of yourself and not doing anything is not your best, sorry.
If you can’t do anything, you might need professional help, so seeking one and working on yourself is something on the other hand, even if you’re depressed to the point that you can’t do much else.

You wouldn’t want to date somebody who is not taking good care of him/herself, right?

If you find people in need of help especially attractive, you might need some help for yourself too.
Been there too, not proud, even though it’s not so rare for traumatized people to have a strong need for helping and “saving” others.

Good care means different for everyone

But we can all probably agree that there are some basics that could apply to everyone. After all, we all share the same anatomy and physiology.
It comes down to your own values. If you value intelligence, you might close your eyes to some things you don’t like so much. If your value is a good look then other things won’t matter so much etc. You’re getting the point, right?

There is also nothing wrong if you don’t care for yourself and find a person who just can’t wait to be with somebody to take care of. I’m always for sharing some work in a relationship, but too much care (no matter if you give or take), takes you into a co-dependent relationship.
This is not healthy but might work if you’re both into this sado-maso type of relationship (been there too).

In the end, it’s up to you to decide what are you into. Do you want something healthy or you just don’t care for your and other person’s well-being all that much? Btw, it’s not easy looking at your loved one making bad care of him/herself. I know this story from both sides.

It’s ironic, but in the times I thought I was taking the most care for my boyfriend(s), I actually only cared about what I wanted. I haven’t thought about what the other person AND I actually need.
It wasn’t right, even though I didn’t know better. Now that I do, I might remain single for a very long time. And that’s perfectly fine with me, while not always easy though.

To sum things up – You can’t fail by taking good care of your physical and mental health. And please keep in mind that you always attract the right people, they just aren’t always what you’d imagine them to be.
You deserve all best and so does the person you love. Sometimes the greatest form of love means to just let go. If you can’t give your best, let somebody else do this instead. ♥

Last but not least – if you want a long-term relationship, you might better start your relationship goals as friends, upgrade this bond with being the very best friends, and after that, you can progress into the best match for each other.

I can’t confirm if this really works in practice just yet because I don’t even have a very best friend anymore. And I’m not sure if I’m able to be one to anybody at the moment. This hurts, I won’t lie. I might stick to the cats, for now, even this bond wasn’t easy to establish.

Why would you even listen to me or any other dating advice? This is the question for you actually. Why did you click on the article in the first place? 😉

What about you, do you attract people who are in a way your reflection too?

Further reading:
Anyone Can Improve Their Sexual And Romantic Relationships. My Course Is Based On Decades of Research And Real World Experience. It’s Also Cheaper Than A Restraining Order
Attachment and C-PTSD: How Complex Trauma Gets in the Way
Codependency: What Are The Signs & How To Overcome It
The Difficult Road to Intimacy: Living with Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder
Why Loving Someone Isn’t Enough to Make It Work

P.S. here are some tips about letting go: Guest post: How to fix a broken heart

18 Comments

  • J. P. K. | J. SYS

    I personally think, when a relationship would mean to be with one person and mainly them, then things would hurt at some point. The best friend(s) thing is what it is about. Dating was never something I thought about, it just didn’t make sense to me. It was because I was feeling and thinking about others more than myself, at least the me I tried to destroy or thought was wrong. And also that dating was about words and often faking things, so why faking around all the time, especially when you wouldn’t even want what you get later. For me these things are all mostly show, like most things at the moment, at least about these kind of things.

    But why did I click on the article? – I just wanted to see what you might came up with and how you might be doing, depending on how much of this article really has to do with you.

    I liked your cat “slowly” turning the head towards the camera.
    Xenia, my cat, sometimes has human-like eyes or reactions. I still wonder, whether she sometimes changes her form when I am not around. But so far it didn’t work for me, although I wanted to be a cat or tiger since I was little, because it seemed to be a better life, easier than mine. But even cats have the need to not be alone. Xenia is half-wild I would say, which is probably the reason why no one wanted her, except for me and my mother.

  • Yetismith

    Believe it or not,I arrived at age 73 without ever having what is commonly called a “date”. I had small number of “involvements’ and one that was long term but long distance. I met men I was attracted to but those guys always seemed terrified of me. Clearly, there was something wrong with me. Lots of things actually! My feeling is that you need to be sincerely interested in the other persons life, their hobbies, their job and so on, but you can’t “fake it” just to get involved. You can’t get involved with the notion that you will mold someone into the person you want. You either accept them as is, or walk away. What do i know?!

    • Maja

      Indeed. You do know, of course you do.

      Did you ever find relationships too exhausting perhaps? Just thinking… CPTSD seems to flare up in close relationships (including friendships – it brings up all unhealed traumas). I keep all my closer friends in a safe distance too. How close do you allow your friends to come?

      • Len

        I’ve somewhat gone through a social withdrawal with anty social circles I’m getting myself into now, I find it draining when it feels you are requires to fill a seat, or because they know your good at something so they want it for ‘FREE’ but indulge me if you will – its become a thing where I really treasure my personal space, my time. Its all an investment for emitting vibrational energy congruent to finding people who are like this as well. Although not that I completely alienate them, it’s become a monthly catch up thing.

  • ZeroSpace

    Good points and cute cat pictures :). My answer to question “would you date yourself” varies. Some days yes, some days no. Overall no. Problem is self work is a long process. If one had already been single for a while then don’t put off dating just because you’re not yet the person you would date. Just be smart about it and use past experiences of attracting the wrong types to protect yourself. And do focus more on just getting friends at first – that is very good advice.
    It’s a balancing act between trying to be smart about things but then also realizing life is short and we shouldn’t isolate and cut ourselves off just because we have personal challenges. Maybe don’t be all snooty and think we need to date someone who checks all the right boxes so since we check very few boxes.

  • Hetty Eliot

    Would I date myself?

    Oh hell no!!

    My fiance is way too kind and good for me. I am the one who has been on the “growth” journey for all these years.

    I fall into the camp of marry your best friend. You’ve got to be able to share everything. I don’t tell anyone one thing I wouldn’t tell him, even TMI 😂. I don’t have very close female friends because I am so fulfilled (I’m not specifically recommending this to everyone–this is simply my dynamic with him and what works for me). We just love hanging out and laughing and sharing every single thing. If we have time, why spend it apart??

    But seriously speaking–my philosophy is that you need a deep friendship because all the things that create typical romance can go away in an instance. You like his/her looks? Your looks can be ruined. You like the sex? One of you can get sick. You’re depressed? Bye bye fun. Everything in life can be taken in an instant, but true love in the soul always remains.

    This sort of relationship allows for the ups and downs of personal growth as a human being. It is however true that self-hatred can make a relationship very difficult. We should strive to be someone we would love ourselves, but we go through bad days. We support one another on the long road of life.

  • Pooja G

    This really is great advice! I think it’s particularly important to know what you want both in life and from the relationship because that just saves so much time and trouble.

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