Random thoughts

Too tired to live, too tired to die

Every time I stop and look deeply into myself, I can’t see a reason that would motivate me to live. I can get to this point, no matter how hard I try, and no matter what kind of drugs (= medications) I put in my mouth.

I really wanted to die when I was 15, but I’ve failed, obviously. This was my breaking point when I’ve decided to live, no matter what.
Or better to survive. After all those years, I still have absolutely no energy when it comes to do a bit more, to live. All I can do is survive a little longer. I want to die on a daily basis for quite a while now. But I have way too many people in my life that just don’t allow me to. The feeling of guilt towards them is a tiny bit stronger than my will to die. I can imagine how hard would it be for me if some of my close ones would commit suicide. So this is not an option.

If I was a cancer patient I would probably at some point gain the right to die through euthanasia. In some countries. I’m thinking a lot about this. And how can I show to doctors that my mental pain is so big that my mental mess is comparable or even worse than cancer. I am stuck between life and death for so long that I just can’t take it anymore. I’ve met all of my humble goals and have no energy to set any new ones.

Many people are trying to help me and I’m really thankful for that.

When it comes to death, I wish I’d have better options than suicide. Don’t we all deserve a peaceful death? But in my country this kind of help is not even legal…

Anybody else with thoughts like this? What can you do when you’re too tired to live, and to tired to die?

49 Comments

  • Jordan G Kobos

    If only we could die…

    Many old souls are tired beyond young soul comprehension simply because we never die and life has gone on for far too long for many of us.

    Which is also why many of us are snapping and going crazy through that knowledge and feeling.

  • An Empath

    Until there is a want, a desire to live and a desire to die, you’ll be in pain. It’s hard as hell but believe that the time to leave will come. Until then live not for yourself but for others. Help others and deep down, your life and death both will have some meaning.

  • Looking for the Light

    Pray more and look closer for reasons to live. I don’t say that lightly, I’ve been there and it took years but my thinking turned around and I can’t imagine taking my own life. You are stronger than you think.

  • Anthony Garner

    You (or may not) want to take a look at the Peaceful Pill Handbook. https://www.scribd.com/document/380820017/The-Peaceful-Pill-Handbook-pdf-2018-October-edition-free-download

    I have a copy which I have not yet read in any depth. I go through periods as bleak as those that you go through although I am lucky enough to have these interspersed with some good times. This past week has been very bad for me. I have thought about suicide many times over the years – sometimes my desire for the ultimate peace has been stronger, sometimes weaker.

    Psychedelics are an option worth looking at but I am sure you are up to speed with all the research at UCL and John Hopkins. Perhaps they are legal in your jurisdiction but I am making no recommendation. they seem to do wonders for some people.

  • ashleyleia

    It’s something I’ve thought about as well. My country has laws allowing medical assistance in dying, but not for mental illness. It sort of comes along with the presumption that the pain of mental illness is temporary, and just because it won’t kill us (except by suicide) it’s not a serious enough condition. I don’t think an assisted suicide free-for-all is the answer, but I really believe something more humane should be available for those of us living with chronic mental illness.

  • lavenderandlevity

    Hugs. I’m sorry your brain is trapped in those feelings right now. They take a toll mentally and physically. I hope that the various supports your are seeking out start to make a dent in them in the near future…

    • Maja

      I’m currently under intensive psychotheraphy, getting some amazing support. But I’m really grateful for all the support you’ve expressed as well.

  • Janina Glass

    I have shared a song from the new movie, Frozen 2, of all things, with a friend who suffers from serious bipolar disorder. She said she LOVED it and it’s like a new theme song for her. If you are able to look it up, it’s called “The Next Right Thing”, it’s touching, but it’s not overly sweet and sugary. For Disney, it’s a blunt look at depression.

    My other resource I would point you to would be “Better Than Happy”, a podcast by Jody Moore. I have been listening to her for over a year, and I have to say it’s better than therapy. I didn’t get it at first, and the ideas have been building in me slowly.

    If you don’t connect with Jody’s cheery style, her mentor was Brooke Castillo, and Brooke podcasts as well, in a more “no-BS” kind of style.

    I used to be AFRAID to be happy, because that meant the down times were coming. Now I can be aware that bad times most likely are coming, but not push back against it so hard. I can now believe that bad can be lived through. I know I can face a tsunami and not drown. I would not have figured that would be part of being a happier person. That’s why toward 2019 I started blogging, and now I’m training to be a life coach too, because I never could have believed such transformational was possible, even in the midst of everything around me staying exactly the same.

  • Anandi Roy

    I feel like I can understand a bit of what you’re saying here. I think, from my perspective, there are two states of being, living and dying. Just that, there is nothing good or bad about either. But living is something more preferable. Because it is more exciting, so many experiences that we get everyday.
    On the other hand dying is just …not existing.
    Something as trivial as writing something is an experience. If someone tells me tomorrow that I will not exist and thus never be able to write anything again, it would be very saddening for me.

    Liked reading your post. Thanks!

  • thelevinelowdown

    Thank you very much for this interesting post! I really enjoyed reading your perspective and learning from your understanding! I have recently published an article on my blog about my opinion on euthanasia and whether it should be legal. If you have time, it would be great if you could check out my article as I would be really interested to hear your thoughts! Thanks 🙂

  • The Freethinker

    Just keep on living.
    Quitting doesn’t solve anything. Your transformational/recovery process may be slow, but giving up on it wouldn’t change anything. Life doesn’t get easier, you just have to get stronger. I know this sounds strange, but I prayed for you last night, and will continue to do so. 🙏

  • stumblingfaith

    I feel this exact way most days. Having chronic depression is exhausting and honestly I have lost friends and family over it because after awhile people don’t get why you can’t just “be happy.” But my true friends and husband get it and just kind of roll with my moods and help me get through it. I hang on for them because I know it would hurt them if I was gone. But the thoughts are always there. So I let them be and I work around them to get through the next minute, hour, etc.

    Hang in there friend. It sounds like you still have a purpose and a story to tell ♥️

    • Maja

      I’m sorry to hear that. It’s hard when people turn away, I can understant that. Thanks for the encouraging words. I wish you the same. You sound like a really strong person, even though you might not see yourself as one sometimes. Thanks for stopping by 🙂

  • Anna Waldherr

    My heart breaks for you. I don’t know what you’ve had to endure. But there are brighter days ahead. Depression is a dangerous illness. It convinces us there is no hope. But that is a lie. Young people especially have their whole lives ahead of them. Do not give up. Life is worth living. <3

  • Cynni Pixy

    I’ve been where you’re at, even tried to OD (and failed, obviously)… It took me about a year to recover from it, to start to feel better, to make a start on living a bit more healthy again. It took me quite some effort to find my will to live again. I had a pet who helped me through most of it. Without her, I don’t know if I’d still be around. No one can really tell you what you need to do, all I can say is that there might come better days for you, it might just take a while. Good luck! 🍀

  • Pamela, APRN

    Maja, please start reading from the Bible every day. The gospel of John is a good place to start. God loves you so much! My life was empty and sad until I read the wonderful good news in John 3:16 and believed on God’s only Son.
    I love to listen to Thru the Bible daily on their app with Dr. McGee. ttb.org
    I’m praying that you will receive Christ as your personal Savior and know His peace and joy that passes understanding.

  • churchbus71andetc

    I have been where you are in the past and I know the pain you are having on the inside where no medication can help. I came to this conclusion some years ago when I was going through a bout of wanting to commit suicide. Two things happened that year. Number 1– My elderly father became depressed and threatened suicide. He agreed to be placed in an institution for a time to get help.Number 2– the young lady that my son was going to marry lost her mother to what was possibly a suicide. I attended the funeral and I visited my dad often, I realized that these were my 2 options either I tried suicide and succeeded and left behind a broken family who would never completely heal from it. Or if I failed I would be placed in an institution where all the doors were locked and my freedom was gone. It was a wake up call for me. Since then I have faced hard times but suicide has never been a choice. And yes it is a choice and I know how good it feels to decide to end it all and not face one more day of depression or difficult situations. It is the brave people like you and I that have the courage to go on another day and not let this insidious thinking that wants to destroy our future. Where does this thinking come from? As a believer in Christ I believe it is from the devil’s realm. He is mankind’s enemy and the destroyer that wants to take away your future. God on the other hand invites you to place your future in His loving hands and He will give you hope for tomorrow. His plans for you and your life are good. How do I know? From promises in the Bible and from living it.

  • Gauri Joshi

    A quote that comes to mind: “Depression isn’t a form of sadness. It’s not something that goes away if you just think about how good you have it or how successful you are. You can’t positivity it away. It lies to you about yourself and eats you from the inside and tells you that you alone make things worse.” The last part really resonates with me…depression lies to us. It’s a damn good liar, too. Don’t believe the lies it tells you. Stay.

  • authorstephanieparkermckean

    Paul of the Bible said that to die would be gain because he would get to be with Jesus, and that to live was a loss because of the pain and torment – but it was needful of him to live because God wasn’t through with him yet. Like Paul, God has a reason for your life. He has a plan and purpose. He wants you to live and to prosper. When it’s time for you to die – He will take you. He does not need help from you or anyone else. Suicide is not an option according to God. He and He alone has the right to decide life and death. I’ve been in so much physical pain that I’ve thought of how comfortable it would be to die and be out of pain. But that wasn’t an option, so I keep on living. You do that too. I’ll start praying for you; for God to give you love, peace, comfort, joy and show you His plan and purpose for your life. God bless you.

  • taniapizzamiglio

    it takes a lot of free time to dedicate so much space to the thought of death as a personal choice and not as a natural fact (it is an event towards which all living beings walk). Everyone happens in life to dwell on the thought of death “if I die”, but the natural nature immediately calls to walk step by step the temporal space of life that is given to us, to cross it well, everyone will then have his passage through the death when it comes, not when you call it. Euthanasia is first of all a political form and an inculturation, it was not created by mother nature, it is not the solution to a life with its burdens but it is a political imposition to not manage situations that they cannot manage, period. Suicide? and what good is it? why not experience what every moment comes to you from life that is beautiful or that is ugly? to learn to walk was not a talent rained down from the sky but it served to watch other beings around walk, try and try again crying at the first falls or failures in the company but the satisfaction of trying again to walk has won! (occurs on average between 6 and 9 months of age from birth)
    if the caterpillar does not struggle to become what it has to become, there will never be butterflies
    if the acorn does not struggle to be what it must be, there will never be oaks
    and we are inside a creative act of which we must participate according to our means, they are also scarce, full of errors, and errors adjust, correct, overcome

    • Maja

      Suicide? and what good is it? why not experience what every moment comes to you from life that is beautiful or that is ugly?

      I agree with you, Tania, but for some of us life sometimes becomes just too much to live. Because the pain we carry inside of us due to the traumatic events is just too hard to live with. I had to fight so badly for my survival that even now that this is over, I lack the energy for anything more than basic surviving (you know, the eat, sleep, walk thing). I’m very enthusiastic about life, I just lack the energy for it. And because I want to do so many things, but I struggle so much even with these basic things many of people take for granted, everything seems pointless. From time to time.

  • heatherjo

    I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this! I can’t imagine the pain you’re dealing with and how drained you must feel. I believe there’s so much about the mind that we don’t understand which is why there’s no clear cut answer or cure for what you’re going through. You mentioned you have taken medication to no avail. But have you tried more natural and holistic methods? You’ve stated that you’re atheist, however, do you believe in spirituality? That might be a good place to start.

  • Laura Bennet

    Thanks for visiting my blog. I’m glad you found something helpful there. Before I understood the dark things in my childhood that were hurting me so deeply, I sometimes felt as if death were the only option. No matter what kind of pain we’re in, physical, mental or emotional ending the pain at all costs seems like the only thing we can focus on. today, for me, it’s physical pain. I’m praying for you right now because I believe we have a God who sees, hears and loves us so much and suffers with us – I believe Jesus suffered for us so we could be healed and whole. Sometimes, I think he heals us miraculously and instantaneously – I’ve had that happen on a a couple of occasions in my life, but other times his healing comes through a process that uncovers layers of pain a little at a time. I don’t know what your situation is, but he does. I pray that today you will feel him touch your heart in some personal way that lets you know he’s with you and is working in your life even if you can’t feel or see it at the moment.

  • juliadeniro

    I feel the same way. I should be in the prime of life, but I don’t want to live. I just don’t want to. Life is too terrifying. At least I’ve set a goal. I will commit suicide if Trump wins the 2020 election. That will be it. I won’t be able to live if that happens.

  • Fred (Au Natural)

    I used to think that medication couldn’t help. Then I went onto Prozac and it really did help me climb out of the hole I was in. Prozac doesn’t cure anything. it just perks you up enough to where you can see the world as it is and not a black pit. Therapy also helps but without the Prozac, you might not feel energetic enough to keep going to it.

    You have to do the rest yourself. Chronic depression isn’t just due to environmental issues. There’s a shortage of neurotransmitters somewhere.

  • frederick anderson

    You’ll get no shortage of advice here, and the truth, possibly, is in acceptance. Stop seeking resolve by discussing your problems with a mythical Galilean, a professional pill-pusher, or some self-appointed internet lifestyle quack. Stay or go, the answer is inside you.
    Modern medicine can keep us alive for an incredibly long time, and it does so without asking us what we want. In our turn, we sometimes forget the final choice lies with us. We have the right to refuse. I do not know your personal circumstances so I would not attempt to advise you, but I can say that you distress yourself by trying. Be contented, if you can.

  • Nerissa Drabiuk

    I understand that depression can’t be waved away by the wand of positivity. However, I believe my depression was worse because I thought of myself as worthless. I didn’t believe that anyone really loved me. From the age of 11-19 I thought about wanting to die almost every day. I never wanted to kill myself, I just didn’t want to live. Thankfully I have for the most part gotten through the worst of it with a lot of intensive counseling and support from friends. I hope you find the desire to enjoy life again.

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