I wrote a post about others. What they did to me and how wrong it was.
I’d like to point out another person, who did plenty of horrible things to me as well. It was me. Hi.
* hides under the table *
I’m deeply ashamed and I wasn’t doing this on purpose. But the shame that comes daily feels just like I was.
There’s plenty of people like me out there. I’m writing this post to spread the awareness about another sensitive topic.
If you don’t know enough, you easily judge others (been there too). Please don’t do this and try to understand them instead. Better understanding leads to increased empathy, which can be beneficial for all of us.
When your whole life looks like one big trauma, you sometimes don’t know how to actually live your life in the absence of your private horror show.
If you ever escape your trauma, you might get the need to make a new one by yourself. There is some science behind this kind of behavior.
If you’re in it too – you’re not alone and you’re not crazy. It’s something you don’t really control (but you can learn). It’s like being on autopilot. You’re just doing what you know best. And this is living under lots and lots of stress.
It might feel unpleasant, but as much as it’s unpleasant, it’s also safe in a way. While I’m slowly ending my old trauma patterns, I’m realizing that I wasn’t running away from the bad things, but from the good ones too.
I don’t know how much sense, I’m making for some of you, but if you were there, you know.
The harm I’ve done to myself included cutting and otherwise physically hurting myself, drugs, overloading myself with work, eating disorders with unhealthy amounts of exercise, staying in relationships that were destructive and not liking myself in general.
I did more harm than good at the beginning of my self-care journey.
Many people think of self-harm as attention seeking behavior, but it’s not.
I was able to hide everything, from everyone, even the therapists. It was my way of dealing with the pain. Still is in a way.
Feel free to share your own experience. I’d be really glad to hear how are you coping with this.
P.S. Featured image with an eye is my work too. Photography was always the way to express my emotions.