Content warning: this is a rant. Kind of. You can also call it “behind the scene” post. My mind and my feelings here and now.
Unedited. You can check here why is it so.
It’s been almost a year since I wrote a post about me being stuck in between life and death.
As many of you already know, I’m still a work in progress, like we all are. Everyone on it’s own pace. My pace is snailish, your might be faster or even slower. That’s all ok.
My psychotherapy is still on schedule twice per week and I spend way more time in a suicidal mode than cheerful state.
I’m slowly learning how to actually live with this. Despite my feelings of desperation, I was able to continue with blogging. My content might not be the very best, but I didn’t give up just yet, which is a small victory for a person who can’t stick to one thing for a while.
Almost nothing changed in a year when it comes to my feelings. I’m suicidal every day and I can’t see many good reasons to live for much longer. Except to maybe help just one more human. It’s the only thing that keeps me going.
I’m able to feel the whole specter of feelings, from deep desperation to sadness and from that back up to the numbness. I can’t feel much above that. I can experience some joy occasionally for a few minutes. Even exercise doesn’t help like it used to. For me, that’s not enough. Nothing was ever enough for me. As stupid as it sounds, it’s the thing that keeps me alive, but prevents from living.
I’ve blocked myself out of happy feelings. As a coping mechanism, for not getting hurt again anymore.
If you’re hurting most of the time, things can’t get much worse, right?
I’m also fighting a strong urge to isolate myself completely, which would actually help me to die finally. But the addict in me keeps on shouting “just one more thing…”
I’m tired of being a mother of 2 extremes fighting in my head all the time. I feel like a mom with imaginary kids. This is just one of the reasons why I don’t have one of my own yet.
The only vacation I get comes from the drugs (mostly under my doc’s supervision). But they have some other unwanted effects. One of them is the unbearable numbness and apathy I’m getting.
I know what helps though, but it’s a quick solution with a horrible after effect. Opiates help me a lot, they always did. But they have their own dark sides.
It’s really hard to decide what are you willing to trade to get a little bit of so called normality.
The only drug that helps me without any bad side effects is Cannabidiol. It only helps with nightmares and mood swings though, I need some other chemicals to go through the day almost “normally”. Washed down with lots of caffeine.
I know exactly what I’m doing wrong, but a part of me don’t really want to get it right. This part is still in a trauma mindset and keeps on sabotaging me…
You can’t heal as long as you don’t trully want to. I’m a tired mom of 2 imaginary kids indeed. I’m also much else than that, but I’m blocking myself constantly for seeing things that could lift me up.
Please don’t be like me.
I avoided mindfulness exercise intentionally for a short while. Just to give myself a break from the feelings and reality to some point.
If I stop now, this might become a regular part of my life. A little escapism is not bad as long as you’re in control. At least this is what my therapist told me. She’s taking a close watch on me, so I allowed myself some experimenting here.
I’m out of questions today, but feel free to share your thoughts.
If you need some help, you’ll find some useful links here (skip the post, just look at the bottom of it).
Thanks for reading my posts. I’m also grateful for the comments you leave. They helped me to keep on going through the year. I wouldn’t be here as a blogger if it wasn’t for some of you who make this community such a nice place.