Reality check

Content warning: this is a rant. Kind of. You can also call it “behind the scene” post. My mind and my feelings here and now.

Unedited. You can check here why is it so.

It’s been almost a year since I wrote a post about me being stuck in between life and death.

As many of you already know, I’m still a work in progress, like we all are. Everyone on it’s own pace. My pace is snailish, your might be faster or even slower. That’s all ok.
My psychotherapy is still on schedule twice per week and I spend way more time in a suicidal mode than cheerful state.

I’m slowly learning how to actually live with this. Despite my feelings of desperation, I was able to continue with blogging. My content might not be the very best, but I didn’t give up just yet, which is a small victory for a person who can’t stick to one thing for a while.

Almost nothing changed in a year when it comes to my feelings. I’m suicidal every day and I can’t see many good reasons to live for much longer. Except to maybe help just one more human. It’s the only thing that keeps me going.

I’m able to feel the whole specter of feelings, from deep desperation to sadness and from that back up to the numbness. I can’t feel much above that. I can experience some joy occasionally for a few minutes. Even exercise doesn’t help like it used to. For me, that’s not enough. Nothing was ever enough for me. As stupid as it sounds, it’s the thing that keeps me alive, but prevents from living.

I’ve blocked myself out of happy feelings. As a coping mechanism, for not getting hurt again anymore.
If you’re hurting most of the time, things can’t get much worse, right?

I’m also fighting a strong urge to isolate myself completely, which would actually help me to die finally. But the addict in me keeps on shouting “just one more thing…
I’m tired of being a mother of 2 extremes fighting in my head all the time. I feel like a mom with imaginary kids. This is just one of the reasons why I don’t have one of my own yet.

The only vacation I get comes from the drugs (mostly under my doc’s supervision). But they have some other unwanted effects. One of them is the unbearable numbness and apathy I’m getting.
I know what helps though, but it’s a quick solution with a horrible after effect. Opiates help me a lot, they always did. But they have their own dark sides.
It’s really hard to decide what are you willing to trade to get a little bit of so called normality.

The only drug that helps me without any bad side effects is Cannabidiol. It only helps with nightmares and mood swings though, I need some other chemicals to go through the day almost “normally”. Washed down with lots of caffeine.

I know exactly what I’m doing wrong, but a part of me don’t really want to get it right. This part is still in a trauma mindset and keeps on sabotaging me…

You can’t heal as long as you don’t trully want to. I’m a tired mom of 2 imaginary kids indeed. I’m also much else than that, but I’m blocking myself constantly for seeing things that could lift me up.
Please don’t be like me.

I avoided mindfulness exercise intentionally for a short while. Just to give myself a break from the feelings and reality to some point.
If I stop now, this might become a regular part of my life. A little escapism is not bad as long as you’re in control. At least this is what my therapist told me. She’s taking a close watch on me, so I allowed myself some experimenting here.

I’m out of questions today, but feel free to share your thoughts.

If you need some help, you’ll find some useful links here (skip the post, just look at the bottom of it).

Thanks for reading my posts. I’m also grateful for the comments you leave. They helped me to keep on going through the year. I wouldn’t be here as a blogger if it wasn’t for some of you who make this community such a nice place.

27 thoughts on “Reality check”

  1. Oh my! I’m not sure if I should post all of what I want to say for others to read. I don’t doubt how you feel or would ever be insensitive to disrespect your feelings. There were extreme dark, hard, sleepless nights I went through when Jace was feeling defeated by his addiction. I was truly fighting for he and I at those times. I would beg and plead with him to see his worth and point out his talents, his strengths, his inner and outer beauty. You have all those same qualities. You have compassion and empathy that no coping skill can hide because it’s so much apart of you that it glows…even through here.
    As a mother, recently and heavily grieving my oldest who passed, I beg you not to give up on your journey…ever! I know we aren’t suffering the same mentally but, everyday since Jace has passed I go to bed and hope to just peacefully die in my sleep. It’s a struggle that is our own and we carry mentally, physically and emotionally with everyday (differently the same…if that makes sense which I’m sure it doesn’t except for me). By pointing out and acknowledging even the smallest victory is by far a huge one and you should be very proud of that. It shows there’s strength deep down in you that you just may not be aware of…not yet anyway.
    I can only offer my support and encouragement and if you ever needed someone to just listen, have questions or just having a bad day…you are more than welcome to privately email me. I do want you to know how much you encouraged me and how extremely appreciative I am that you read and left the kindest response to my page about my Jace. I’d like to think I’m honoring him by reaching out to you as he did with others in their darkest times. 💛

    • Dear Aimee, I really appreciate your support, encouragement and willingness to help. Thank you.
      I’m sorry for your loss. I wish you all best. <3

      • There’s a song by Blue October called Hate Me. I’ve always liked the song and knew the meaning behind it. Anyway, some years back, Jace wrote me a letter from one of the many times we did the revolving door with rehab. He referenced that song and pointed out in detail how much it reflected what he and I had been through at that dark point of his life. Although, as Jace also pointed out, the song was so similar it was as if he wrote it himself, there’s a verse toward the end that is so sensitive to us that I have to end it there…if I even manage to get that far into the song anymore. It’s crazy how differently I hear that song and how emotional it is for me after that letter from him. Anyway, I know my reply may be off topic and I’m not sure what music genre you like. It’s harder to even try to listen to now that my Jace lost his battle but, it’s the one way to describe a small part of what we went through. I feel like…ugh..there’s really no actual words to make sense for how I feel or anything anymore. For me, personally, the song is harder to hear now because we did fight so hard and he was finally where he thought he’d never be last year with his sobriety and goals. That’s just one itty-bitty way to describe why I go through not wanting to wake up. It probably may not make much sense, sorry 😬
        And I don’t even know why I’m sharing that because I’m not sure that it’s helpful for you. I guess I just needed to get it off my chest since it’s really something I don’t talk about.

        • You make much sense. It’s really hard to listen to songs that remind us of some people or bring up some intense emotions. I can relate to this. I can’t really listen to music, because everything reminds me of something and the feelings that come can be overwhelming, even when it comes to positive memories.
          You’re always welcome to let some thoughts out here if you find this helpful. I want to say something comforting for the end, but nothing appropriate comes to my mind. We’re all lost sometimes and that’s ok too I guess. Thanks for stopping by and sharing so much of yourself.

  2. My dear Maja, this was very distressing to read for a couple reasons. First, I have come to be a big fan of your blog. You are now among my top 5 favorite bloggers, and I hate to see you suffer like this. Also, I know what this feels like and I see some BPD stuff in there. The desolation can be awful. I fell into a chasm last week which took a few days to climb out of. You said something interesting. I had thought to myself “I want to stay flat-lined (cold) like this all the time. Because if I never soar up and have a good mood again, I will never fall hard and hit the pavement again”. Now you are saying that this is a bad approach. You know exactly how that feels. This means a lot to me because I feel like most people don’t get it. But here you warn people who know not to do that because it appears taking that road has some dangers. Numbing out like that. Anyway, I am rambling but I just want you to feel better. What can I offer you? I was thinking of doing a post today and I know you read my stuff sometimes. I have an idea of what I want to write about but I would do an additional post just for you. I think you like my philosophy voice sometimes. I can provide youtube links or just talk about my experiences so similar to yours. Maybe I will do all of this. If I was the grand witch of the universe I would send you a hug. And perhaps I would send you a loving new boyfriend and a loving family or tribe, one like you may have never known. This is a bit emotional, I know, but it’s just because I know some of those feelings and when I see them in another – which I don’t often see because everyone walks around with everything hidden – it rips me up. I just hope you feel better soon.

    • Thanks a lot Melissa. You’ll probably understand if I say that I’m speechless now. I really don’t know what to say. I don’t like you struggle either. It’s great when you can relate to someone like this, but also a bit unpleasant, because you don’t want somebody else to feel like this too.
      Thanks for having me in the top five. You’re in my high five too, which reminded me, that I don’t read other blogs often enough. It’s too many good ones out there and great people, which is even more important for me.
      I like your ramblings just as your philosophy, so keep on doing the podcasts. 🙂
      Thanks for everything.
      *pretends to be a witch and send some hugs* 🙂

      • I was probably a little emo there 🙂 But as you say, it’s tough to see someone else feel that way. Work took me over today so no podcast, but soon. Yes we can be witches and send hugs back and forth. I hope you feel better soon.

  3. My heart goes out to you because I have some notion of how you feel. Throughout my twenties I probably thought about suicide most days, not that I really considered ever doing it. I suppose I have always had this awful dread about “what if taking your own life sets you up for something worse?” These days I just think it gives you really bad karma. Anyway I too never wanted to risk being happy because it always seemed to bring more disappointment and pain. I am much older and all the people who really hurt me are gone. It took some years but eventually I think I just got tired of hurting and crying to my therapist. I take Cymbalta and Gabapentin and the combination keeps at bay my gloomy side. The past two years have been a pleasure as I now live where I want and I make excuses to no-one. In my case I was always able to see someone else who had it worse than me and maybe that is why I struggled on. I suspect you have had a lot harder time than I ever did, but you have so much to help people with your blog and there are people you don’t even know out here that care about you. So please keep fighting. It will get better. It will!

    • Thanks a lot Carolyn.
      You’ve mentioned a couple of times now that I’ve had a lot harder time than you.
      Trauma is not comparable. We can’t really measure who hurts more, no matter the situation or amount of events somebody went through. All feelings are valid and they hurt just as much as you feel the pain.
      I’m glad that your combo helps you with your gloomy side.

      I don’t know why is this happening, but your comments go to spam folder every time. This is why they don’t appear on the site immediately. I’m really sorry for that.

  4. “I can’t see many good reasons to live for much longer. Except to maybe help just one more human.” – this is huge. Helping at least one more human. With everything you are sharing, there’s is no doubt that you are helping. One more human at a time.. Hang in there Maja! and Thank you! <3

  5. Ah, Maja, it saddens me to read this, yet I too know this life is your journey. I want you to always know that I am here for you in any way possible. Really. The language you are reading here is reality, my reality, which I am creating and sharing with you. You may never choose to reach out to me in this way, and that is totally okay. I just want you to know that I am here. I also want you to know that you do have an impact. You do help people. And, your story does matter. It matters to all of your followers, it matters to me. You matter. You are an inspiration. Love and light to you.❤️

  6. My heart really broke hearing you speak of your daily pain. I wish I could give you a hug, and I’m not normally a hugger. I do see little victories here and there that you might not see, and I hope you see them someday too. If the thought of helping one more person keeps you alive, then you will be with us, I pray, for a very long time because the world is filled with so many people with their arms outstretched, crying for help. They need you. You’ve already helped so many of them, including me.

    • Thank you for pouring your heart out and talking about the desire to suppress feelings, I have recently discovered I have been doing this and how hard it is to let go and let all emotions come…thats what my doctor encourages me to do…and yes the mindfulness activities get exhausting at times too! I’ve been trying to start with doing little things that give me a little joy…like a bubble bath or taking time to do small things I enjoy…it seems to help me experience it in small doses, now I just gotta try that for the sad stuff…I have a hard time crying…I get so afraid if I start I will never quit, or the pain I will feel from it…so I stopped crying years ago and now I have a hard time expressing sadness…I think its why I have so much anxiety at times…anyway thanks for sharing, it helps to know I am not alone and can relate to someone else.

      • Thanks for this too. It was really interesting what you said—

        “I’ve been trying to start with doing little things that give me a little joy…like a bubble bath or taking time to do small things I enjoy…”

        Because I’ve been trying this, too, and I agree with the idea. It seems important to feel safe to try to enjoy some small things, and build upwards from there. Maybe practising feeling good emotions might naturally help you to start feeling less-good ones. It’s about practising feeling what you’re experiencing generally, in baby steps maybe. I feel like if you’re able to start enjoying some things, that naturally gives you strength to face the harder ones. Why would you want to choose between numbness or sadness, after all? 😅

        Maybe practising feeling ‘negative’ feelings can start with softer stuff like physical discomfort, smaller anxieties— that’s something I’m trying. Anyway it was great to be able to relate to what you wrote, thank you.

  7. This was so touching Maja! And I really appreciate the topic you were talking about. It’s been the main thing at the front of my mind for so long, and the thing I’ve most struggled with— allowing myself to feel good. I really really appreciate your thoughts about it.

    And the audio version was great! It’s so nice for me to be able to start playing it and be able to move around my room at the same time :D.


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