The Art Of Killing Ourselves

Warning: this topic can be triggering for some. I’m already supervised by my therapist, and I don’t want to alarm any of you with sharing my thoughts and experience. If you’re in danger or need a professional help, you can find one here.

If killing ourselves was easy, I believe many of us wouldn’t be here anymore. I know I wouldn’t be.

We are somehow designed to live, and to resist, even fear death – at least to a certain point. This is a normal part of evolution, and helps us to still exist as a species.

This can change due to different illnesses, disorders (at least this is what I think with the knowledge I have right now).

We all deserve a peaceful death

And the freedom to decide when and how to go.
I believe it can be very hard to be the one helping people to die through euthanasia, just as it can be difficult for trying to live, while you struggle so much to do so every day. It’s not easy to be a human.

I was trying to kill myself once, while I was planning to do so slightly more often. My mind can still get into the suicidal mode every day, and not even a combo of 3 antidepressants didn’t change that.

I’m beyond grateful for the meds and the people who are supporting me, and I find them both helpful despite everything. They help me to feel loved, and to turn around my (suicidal) thoughts faster.

The meds and other people aren’t the only ones I need in order to feel better, though.
What I need is to keep on doing the inner work on myself, which I’m very tired of. I really want to die since my puberty without ever-changing my mind. So why don’t I?

Maybe because I’m a very stubborn person, and I want to do things my way, and do them well. Or it might be just the perks of being an idealist…

My version of dying is to have a (medical) person next to me, who would help me to go, make sure I go in peace, and stay dead when it happens.

I couldn’t bare with the guilt of not succeeding another suicide attempt or, even worse, becoming a vegetable during the process and becoming another unnecessary burden to other people. This is the main reason why I don’t try anymore, even though I want it badly.

How much is a human life worth?

As a college student, I wrote an article about the economic impact of one person’s death. It made me think more about why is euthanasia still so heavily accessible, and that it might have something to do with this point of view too. You can read this article in the viewer below.
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This can be a difficult topic, and I often feel alone for keeping these thoughts for myself. I know it’s not easy to listen to how somebody you might know wants to die… So, thank you for reading this post.

Further reading:
Assisted suicide
The Peaceful Pill Handbook
The Right To Die With Dignity

What do you think, is committing a suicide an easy or a hard task to do? Would you like to influence the way you die, or would you prefer to leave this open, and just go with the flow?

11 thoughts on “The Art Of Killing Ourselves”

  1. If you care about the people you will leave behind, I think it must be very hard. A friend of mine chose to end her life with assisted suicide after she had a second stroke. She was able to do this in California where she lived. There were conditions, which is understandable and her life ended very peacefully. Her family wanted her to fight to recover again but it had been to hard and she was tired. It’s what I hope I can make happen in similar circumstances. I had other friends, an older couple. He was a medical doctor and developed terminal kidney disease. He and his wife attempted suicide and he succeeded, but she woke up next to him which must have been devastating for her especially but also for the family. 2 weeks later she tried again and this time she died. No, it is not easy at all. I wanted to die also for a long time. Now I am getting near the end anyway. I only hope to be able to pass with dignity and not leave a burden for someone else.

    • Indeed, it is hard. This is such a sad story, I can’t imagine how hard it must have been for the doctor’s wife, and others who loved them as well.

      I wish you a peaceful death when the time comes, and to spend some wonderful days here as well. With all your lovely cats, birds, and other animals you observe – thanks for sharing them through photos. That’s the main reason I visit your blog.

  2. it’s no easy, it’s personal, and we shouldn’t judge. There was a case here decades ago involving a terminally ill lady named Sue Rodriguez, she was going to pass no matter what, she wished to do it on her terms…and had to fight our various Canadian governments to be allowed…..she never was, but with the help of a local politician at her side, she did…..and other since have had to…..yes, sober second thought, and it shouldn’t be easy, but who are we to judge others….

  3. I’m glad you are still here, Maja. I don’t know you beyond your blog but I appreciate the honesty in which you write. And it provides strength for others who live with similar thoughts and emotions.

    This is a tricky topic for me. I do genuinely feel that society as a whole needs to do more to support those who need help so that choosing death is not the ideal option to go to. I know it is easier said than done, but I feel that should be the first route.

    But I also understand when there are no options left. My sister passed away shortly after Christmas from stage 4 cancer. Prior to passing, she’d already decided and got medical approval for medically assisted dying at the end of this June. It was a difficult decision for us to hear but I fully supported he’d because she already in so so much pain.

    I hope that you continue to get the support that you need and continue to find writing to be a way to heal too.

    Take care. 😊

    • Thank you, Ab.

      Indeed, we as society can do more. By more I mean, to listen and understand people better, and letting them go if they want to. Without trying to convince and “help” them to stay here no matter what.

      I’m sorry for your loss. ♥

  4. I always thought that you have to be a real coward to commit suicide, leave everything and everyone behind, until I was in the situation of trying to commit one myself. You have to have a lot of courage. So no, it’s not easy. But – I’m really glad you are here and that you are the voice of many, who don’t have the courage to speak for themselves and admit, that they struggle.


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