Every time I stop and look deeply into myself, I can’t see a reason that would motivate me to live. I can get to this point, no matter how hard I try, and no matter what kind of drugs (= medications) I put in my mouth.
I really wanted to die when I was 15, but I’ve failed, obviously. This was my breaking point when I’ve decided to live, no matter what.
Or better to survive. After all those years, I still have absolutely no energy when it comes to do a bit more, to live. All I can do is survive a little longer. I want to die on a daily basis for quite a while now. But I have way too many people in my life that just don’t allow me to. The feeling of guilt towards them is a tiny bit stronger than my will to die. I can imagine how hard would it be for me if some of my close ones would commit suicide. So this is not an option.
If I was a cancer patient I would probably at some point gain the right to die through euthanasia. In some countries. I’m thinking a lot about this. And how can I show to doctors that my mental pain is so big that my mental mess is comparable or even worse than cancer. I am stuck between life and death for so long that I just can’t take it anymore. I’ve met all of my humble goals and have no energy to set any new ones.
Many people are trying to help me and I’m really thankful for that.
When it comes to death, I wish I’d have better options than suicide. Don’t we all deserve a peaceful death? But in my country this kind of help is not even legal…
Anybody else with thoughts like this? What can you do when you’re too tired to live, and to tired to die?
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